”It’s all to do with the training: you can do a lot if you’re properly trained.”

                                           - Queen Elizabeth II 

As I am certain everyone must know, or at least imagine, Queen Elizabeth II loved afternoon tea. As a tribute to her, I have modified and am re-posting one of my previous posts regarding tea etiquette.

Reportedly, Her Majesty’s favorite tea was Earl Grey, served piping hot, with just a little milk added only after the tea had been poured. Along with her tea, she would have cake. Small cakes were served as well as a larger cake from which the Queen could cut a slice.

Worldwide, afternoon tea is a refreshing alternative to lunch or dinner. There is a timeless quality about “taking” tea. Afternoon tea conjures up feelings of elegance and gentility. Whether you are meeting friends, colleagues, or clients for tea, you will find that tea is a delightful and very pleasant way to build rapport–particularly on a cold, gloomy afternoon.

 “To me, the ritualized exchange of courtesies at a tea gathering illustrates, in microcosm, the central role of etiquette in human life.”   

    -Dorothea Johnson, Author of “Tea & Etiquette: Taking Tea for Business and Pleasure”      

Afternoon tea is served in every major city around the world now; and, of course, every hotel in London has an Afternoon Tea service, as well as Fortum & Mason, where one can also buy tins of tea to take home or give as gifts.

A trip to Paris would not be complete without going to Angelina’s for tea and pastries. I made my first visit to Angelina’s in my early 20s and go back every time I return to Paris. And then there is Vienna!

Although there are a number of noteworthy restaurants and hotels that serve afternoon tea in Manhattan, the Ritz Carlton Hotel on Central Park South is one of my favorites. The service, china, choices of tea, tea sandwiches, scones and sweets are all divine, and very “old world.”  I would also recommend the Carlyle Hotel for adults who wish to meet for a quiet “respite” in the afternoon. Or, for incomparable views of the city and Central Park while “taking tea,” I highly recommend the Mandarin Oriental Hotel.

For special occasions, the best place in New York City to take children is the Palm Court at the Plaza Hotel. It is especially nice for young ladies now that they have an “Eloise” tea menu. Many also like Alice’s Tea Cup and Tea & Sympathy–my daughter’s favorite.

Everyone can enjoy the experience, but it helps to know how to properly do so. Following are some tips to guide you when “taking tea”:

Holding a teacup:

• A handled teacup is held with the index finger through the handle; the thumb just above it to support the grip, and the second finger below the hand for added security. The next two fingers should follow the curve of the other fingers.

Stirring a Cup of Tea:

• Stirring a cup of tea is done gently and noiselessly by moving the teaspoon in a small arc back and forth in the center of the cup. Do not allow the teaspoon to touch the sides of the rim of the cup.

Faux Pas:

• It is an affectation, or faux pas, to raise the pinkie finger.

• Lifting only the cup and leaving the saucer on the table when you are standing or when you there is only 12 inches between you and the table on which your cup and saucer are placed is a faux pas.

• Placing used accoutrements–cup, saucer, plate, flatware, or napkin– back on the tea table, once used, is a faux pas.

• Leaving a spoon upright in the cup.

• Placing the spoon on the saucer in front of the cup–it goes behind the cup, with the spoon pointing in the same direction as the handle of the cup.

• Making unnecessary noise by touching the sides of the cup with the spoon while stirring.

• Letting the spoon drop after stirring the tea with a clank onto the sauce.

Proper Tea Pouring:

• In general, pour the cup three-quarters full to prevent the tea from spilling.

• Never use cream; it masks the flavor of the tea. Use milk. (The habit of putting milk in tea originated in France: Madame de la Sabliere took her tea with milk because it was to her taste.)

• Add sugar first; otherwise, the lemon prevents it from dissolving.

• Never combine milk and lemon.

Drinking Tea:

• Look into, not over the cup of tea when drinking

• Drink your tea quietly–no blowing on it; and certainly, no slurping.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

       September 15, 2022

It has been some time since many of us have been to an in-person social event with new people or business colleagues we have not seen for a while.  With that in mind, I wanted to share a past post I wrote that it is especially relevant today and should be of help to you as you begin to socialize again. 

Knowing how to make polite conversation with others is an essential life skill. It is also an important executive skill. Whether you are attending a social function for purely personal reasons, or a social business function for professional reasons, making polite conversation with others will be necessary

According to a survey by “The New York Times,” 93 percent of people identify themselves as shy. This means that– more than likely–93 percent of us will feel anxious when we have to socialize with strangers, or people we don’t know very well. Knowing this statistic should make it easier for us to approach new people. And knowing how to properly approach them will give you the confidence to be the one to take the initiative and reach out to others–becoming known as a savvy socializer, which is a big plus in your personal and professional life.

The following pointers will provide you with all you need to know in order to make polite conversation with “strangers,” so that you can mingle with ease and grace at all your social functions:

• Prepare for the event. Never go to an event without something to say or talk about. The best conversationalists tend to be great storytellers are well versed in countless topics. Read the newspaper so that you will know what is going on in the world.  Have a few common interest or funny stories to tell. If it’s a business function, read the trade journals or newsletters before you go. Think about topics people attending the event would be interested in hearing about and be ready to talk about them.

• Plan your self-introduction. Have a pre-planned self-introduction tailored to the event. “Hello; I’m the bride’s aunt;” or “Hello, I’m representing Bank of America at this event. I work in the marketing division.”

• Take business or social cards with you. Always take your business or social cards with you. They make it easy for others to contact you.

• If you would like someone’s card, simply ask them for it. “Do you have a card? May I have one?” But never give your card to someone unless they ask for it. If you ask someone for their card, but they don’t ask you for yours, you can ask, “May I give you, my card?

• Dress appropriately for the occasion. When you are dressed appropriately for an occasion, it will make you feel more confident, as well as more comfortable When you are dressed inappropriately, it will not only make you feel uncomfortable, but it will also make those attending the event uncomfortable.

• Go on time or no more than fifteen minutes late. If you go late for an event, conversational groups will have already formed, and it will be harder for you to break into conversations. Plus, going late to an event shows disrespect for the event, as well as the person or group hosting the event.

• Adopt a positive attitude.  Think about the benefits of going to the event, and then adopt a positive attitude, because your attitude begins on the inside and shows on the outside. The minute you walk in the door, your body is busy telling people all about you. Are you happy to be there? If not, it will show in your body language. Do you walk in with your head held high and an air of confidence, as if you were happy to be there and have something to contribute? If so, people will be drawn to you.

“Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm; it moves stones, it charms brutes.” Edward Bulwer-Lytton

• Make an entrance. Never rush into a room. Walk in slowly, step to the right of the entrance, and pause for a few minutes before entering the room. Everyone watches the entrance. This is your first opportunity to make a good impression; and it gives you a chance to see where everyone, including key persons with whom you would like to talk, is in the room

• Look approachable. Smile. Make eye contact. Just as important as being able to approach others is looking approachable yourself. Is your body language open? Are your feet pointed toward the person with whom you would like to talk, or are talking? Are your arms uncrossed?  Are your palms open reaching out to others? These are all “I am open for business and interested in talking to you” body language signs.

• Break the ice: make small talk. Even though it is called “small talk,” as Michael Korda says, “There is nothing small about small talk.”

Small talk topics:

-          Your shared experience is always a good topic when you want to initiate a conversation with a new person. Talking about the venue, the food, the room, the view, the weather, are all good small talk topics.

Example: “These are delicious hors d’oeuvres. Which one is your favorite?   After the person answers, extend your right hand, if appropriate, and introduce yourself.

-          Research also shows that the best ice breaker may be a simple smile and a “Hello.” How difficult can that be?

-          Give a sincere compliment. It’s one of the best ways to begin a conversation. Everyone likes a compliment–particularly if it is about a personal characteristic or achievement. “You are so good about introducing others and making them feel comfortable.”

• Build rapport. Build rapport before launching into any conversation that involves opinions. Connect first, and after you have established a bond, you can give your opinion about something. Do make it a positive opinion and tread lightly. Social functions are not meant for serious conversations.

• To build instant rapport, try to mirror and match your conversational partner, but do it discreetly. Match their body language. Match their manner of speaking—fast, slow. Listen for the words they use. What sense do they favor? Are they a visual, auditory, or kinesthetic type of person? Then use those words: “I see what you’re saying.” I hear what you’re saying.” I feel what you’re saying.”

• Play the three-three “game.” Make it your mission to meet three new people and find three things in common with those three people. It’s like a fishing expedition: you throw out topics to see which one takes.  After you find three things in common with a person, you will have a natural rapport with them. If you don’t, move on to the next person. Don’t allow yourself to become discouraged.

• Know how to handle your cocktail utensils. It is possible to hold a glass—even a cocktail plate with your glass on top of it– in your left hand, while you shake hands with your right hand when you greet another person.

• Eat or talk. If you want to be viewed as a refined and polished socializer, you will certainly not talk with food in your mouth. You can eat or talk—just not at the same time.

• Properly introduce others. Knowing how to properly introduce others will put you far ahead of the crowd.  When you incorrectly introduce someone, it can be in insulting to the person you are introducing and embarrassing to the others around you. Introducing others even if you have forgotten the rules, however, is an act of kindness. How would you feel if no one introduced you? Whenever anyone walks up to you and you are with another person who is unknown to them, it is your duty to introduce them. And what if you have forgotten one person’s name? Simply say, I’m so sorry, I have I forgotten your name, but I want to introduce you. I even forget my mother’s name when I get nervous.”

• Enter conversations with one person or a group, but not two people. Initiating a conversation with one person is ideal. They will be grateful to you for walking up to them and starting a conversation. Walking up to two people engaged in a conversation–particularly if their body language shows that they are very involved in what they are talking about—and interrupting them is rude. (There are certain times, however, when it is okay to quickly say, “Excuse me. I just wanted to say “Hello. I hope to have a chance to talk to you later.”  Then walk away.)

  Entering group conversations may seem difficult, but with a little practice you can become more adept at it. To do so, stand slightly away from the group, show interest in the speaker. A group may be slow to warm up at first, but once they get used to seeing you, they will slowly shift to bring you into the circle. You can also, ease into the group by demonstrating you have been listening, and when there is a break in the conversation, smile and ask, “May I join you.” Once you do join the group, be sure to introduce yourself, and shake hands with each person in the group if it is a business function. It is not about you; it’s about the other person. Focus on the other person and you will be less self-conscious. Focus on the other person and that will make them feel important. That in turn will make you important to them. This is the ultimate trait of a charming person—one who makes others feel important. When conversing, if you hear the word “I” more than “you,” you will know you are focusing more on yourself rather than the other person.

• Be a generous listener. Truly listening to another person is the highest compliment we can pay them. Listen actively with your ears, eyes, and heart. Give signals that you are listening by nodding your head, smiling—if appropriate–and ask questions that follow up what the person has been talking about.

• Avoid being a “close talker.” A “close talker” is an annoying person who doesn’t understand the spatial boundaries of a conversation. Speaking in uncomfortably close proximity—never-more than 18 inches—makes him or her seem pushy and “in your face.” The comfort zone, or the distance that you keep between yourself and friends, is usually one-and-a-half feet to four feet at social gatherings.

• Make a graceful exit. Social events and mingling are not meant for long or serious conversations. We should spend around eight to ten minutes with each person at a social function, according to Miss Manners. We must, however, make our exits graceful.

Some suggestions for exit lines are:

-          “It’s been great talking with you. I really enjoyed hearing about…”

-          “It was so nice to meet you and hear about your trip to ………I haven’t said hello to the host yet, so if you will excuse me. I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening.”

-          “I won’t monopolize you any further, but it has been really nice talking with you.”

• Table Talk. When seated at a table, the only people a guest is actually required to speak to are his neighbors to the left and right. Traditionally, one would speak to the person at one’s right; and then speak to the person on one’s left, avoiding with either any unpleasant or controversial topics.

• Thank the host and/or hostess.  Always thank the host and/or hostess before leaving an event. And, in some cases, depending upon the occasion, a telephone call, or hand-written thank-you note should be sent the next day.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Updated:  April  2022

 1. Do avoid talking with food in your mouth. Take small bites, chewing with your mouth closed, and you will find it easier to answer questions or join in on table talk once you have swallowed your food.

2. Do cut one piece of meat or fish at a time on your plate and eat it before cutting the next one.

3. Do remember solids (food) are always on your left; liquids (beverages) are on your right.

4. Do leave your plate where it is when you have finished eating, with the knife and fork in the 10:20 “I am finished” position. Place the tips of the utensils at 10 and the handles at 4; and remember that once a utensil has been used, it never goes back on the table.

5. Do break your bread and butter one piece at a time, and eat it before breaking and buttering the next piece. 

6. Do remember your posture at the table. Sit up straight and keep your arms (including elbows) off the table. Your hands will rest in your lap if you are eating in the American style. Your hands from the wrist up will rest on the table when you are taking a break from eating. 

7. Do put your napkin in your chair and push your chair in if you need to leave the table during the meal.

8. Do wait until everyone has been served before you begin to eat when you are seated with a small group, eating at the same pace as your dining companions.

9. Do ask for anything you need at the table that is out of reach for you to be passed to you, since you never want reach across the table for something.

10. Do keep your cell phone, keys, and handbag off the table.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Updated: July 2019

The following tips will guide you in hosting business meals with finesse:

1. Start by selecting a restaurant with which you are familiar. Knowing the restaurant and staff will make you feel more comfortable.

2. Arrive early and select a table. Seating and table location are important considerations during business meals. Request a table away from the kitchen, restrooms, or entryway.

3. Prior to sitting, the host should decide the chair location for the guest. If there is more than one guest, the most important guest should be seated to the right of the host; the second most important guest is on the host’s left, unless there is a co-host. If so, the second most important guest would be seated to the co-host’s right. 

4. Stand when guests arrive, shake hands, and let them know where you would like for them to sit.

5. If you are the host, you can make subtle suggestions from the menu. These suggestions ease the guest’s uncertainty about what to order. It also indicates the meal budget and the number of courses. To make your guest feel comfortable, you should order the same number of courses as he or she orders.

6. At a business lunch, one should opt for manageable dishes that require a knife and fork to eat. Practice good table manners while dining, remembering to swallow before speaking and chew with your lips closed. Pace yourself, so that you and your guest are finished at the same time.

7. Let your guest know it is okay for him to drink whatever he likes by asking, “Would you like a beverage? Soda, wine, water?” It is okay to have an alcoholic drink if your guest abstains, but limit yourself to one drink. 

8. Avoid the common blunder of getting down to business. Conversation during the early part of the meal should be about building rapport with your guest. Serious business is saved for later in the meal, after the entrée plates have been removed.

9. The host pays the bill, which includes the gratuity. As the host, you are also responsible for your guest’s coat check and valet parking tips as well.

10. Signal the end of the meal by placing your napkin on the table and rising from your chair.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

      March 2017