How to be a Thoughtful Host and Gracious Guest Now

Now that it appears as if it is safe for us to return to life as we knew it before COVID-19 entered our world, we can welcome guests back to our homes this summer. The guidelines for being a thoughtful host and gracious guest have not changed since the summer of 2019, except for one additional factor: protection against COVID-19.

If you are inviting someone to your home, it is perfectly acceptable to ask if they have been vaccinated before doing so. If you know the person well, you will more than likely know the answer to this question and not need to ask them. If you are on the receiving end of the invitation, you may politely ask your host if they and others who will be there when you visit have been vaccinated. If everyone has been vaccinated, or has already had the virus, follows the CDC guidelines and etiquette advice outlined below, a wonderful time can be had by all this summer!

Host Duties

1.  Do invite guests whom you know fairly well and know will enjoy the kind of weekend that is enjoyable to you.

 2.  Tell your guests when you would like for them to arrive and leave.

 3.  Give your guests an idea about what you have planned for the weekend and the clothes they will need to bring for the various activities.  If you are taking them to your club for dinner, and jackets are required, that is something they will need to know when packing for the weekend.

 4.  If you are inviting friends you don’t know that well to your home, it is a good idea to ask them if they have any special dietary needs or allergies.

 5.  Do stock your kitchen and bar with your guests’ favorite foods and drinks.

 6.  Do give your guests some free time during the day. It isn’t necessary—nor is necessarily appreciated by your guests—for you to have every minute of the day planned. Do, however, have some group outings/activities planned.

 7.  Let your guests know what time you usually have your meals—particularly breakfast. If you are a late sleeper, and they are earlier risers, show them where you keep the coffee and let them know they are welcome to make their own breakfast.

 8.  Give your guests a map of your town if they are new to the area.

 9.  Check to make sure the guest room is ready for your guests: fresh sheets, flowers, snacks, reading material, an alarm clock, pad and pen by the bed, a couple of empty drawers. bureau drawers, extra coat hangers in the closet, a mirror, and anything else you think they might like or need in their room to be comfortable. And also check to see that the bathroom they will use will have everything they need.

 10.  Do let your guests know if there is a limited supply of hot water in your house. They will be embarrassed if they unknowingly use all of the hot water before the others in the house had a chance to take a shower.

 11. Try to anticipate your guests’ special needs—if there are any. Remember, that as a host, it is your number one responsibility to make your guests feel comfortable in your home.

Houseguest Manners

 1.  Do be clear about when you are expected to arrive, and when you are expected to leave; and don’t go earlier or stay longer.

 2.  Do take a house gift; and if you are staying longer than a weekend, offer to take your host/hostess out to dinner one evening.

 3.  If possible, have a means of transportation so you don’t have to rely on your host/hostess to chauffeur you around.

 4.  Do not ask to bring a pet with you, unless you have a small “perfect” dog, and you know they won’t mind. Large dogs and cats should be left at home.

 5.  If you or your children are sick, let your host know before arriving at his or her house. It would, of course, be better if you visited another time; but your host–and certainly a relative–may say it is okay for you to come.

 6.  Ask what the attire will be for the weekend so that you are able to dress appropriately for all of the weekend’s festivities, and will not have to borrow your hosts’ clothes.

 7.  Unless your host has a full-staff, you should put your breakfast dishes in the dishwasher; and you should offer to strip the bed when it is time for you to leave.

8.  Do think of activities to occupy you for at least part of the day. Don’t expect your hosts to keep you entertained from morning until night—unless you know your host is expecting you to accompany them on all of the outings during the day, such as to the golf course, tennis court, beach, etc.

 9.  Do not leave your wet bath or sandy beach towels on the floor.

10.  Do try to keep your room fairly neat. Make your own bed each morning unless there is a maid to make it for you. Be sure the bathroom is kept neat as well.

11. Do pack a robe. You may have to walk down the hall to go to the bathroom; and you may want to go to breakfast wearing one if it’s acceptable in the house you are visiting.

12.  Ask what the rules of the house are. Are shoes allowed in the house? What time does everyone wake up and go to sleep?

13.  Don’t treat your hosts as your personal servants. Offer to help out with the cooking and dishes.

14.  If you are a weekend guest, do realize that it is not your host’s responsibility to keep you entertained every minute of the day.

15.  Unless your host has a full-staff, you should put your breakfast dishes in the dishwasher; and you should offer to strip the bed when it is time for you to leave.

 16. Don’t expect your hosts to follow your diet regimen. If you are on a strict diet, it might be better to save your visit to another time when you can eat what your hosts are eating.

17. Be on time for meals and activities.

18. Don’t complain about your bed, your room, the food, the activities that have been planned for your stay, etc.  In other words, be an appreciative guest.

19.  On the day of your departure, take the sheets, blankets, and pillow cases off of the bed, fold them, and leave them neatly on top of the bed—unless, of course, your hosts have live-in help or tell you they would prefer that you leave everything to them.

20. Do remember to send a thank-you note to your hosts when you get home

We are in the midst of the Coronavirus Pandemic; and we have been advised to avoid hugging, kissing or shaking hands when we see someone we know or meet someone for the first time. So, what would be the appropriate non-contact way to greet someone in the professional arena when we encounter them this fall?

First of all, smile and make direct eye contact with the person.  Even if you are wearing a mask, which hopefully you will be, a smile will evident.

Then, you have the following non-contact choices for what to do next instead of shaking their hand:

1. You can simply nod your head as you state your greeting: “Hello, Mr. Johnson. It is a pleasure to meet you.” Of course, if you are greeting an Asian business person, you might nod your head lower, only slightly bowing if you are not Asian. Bowing is a sign of respect in the Asian culture.

2. You can put your hand over your heart as you state your greeting. Many cultures associate this gesture with honesty. It indicates that one is not bearing arms—as does the handshake– or that one appears to have genuine intentions, or is giving one’s word of honor. Of course in the United States we put our hand over our heart when pledging allegiance to the flag.

3. You can use the respectful Hindu Namaste greeting, which is done by placing one’s palms together, fingers pointed upwards and drawing the hands to the heart, while bowing your head slightly.  It is not necessary to say Namaste unless you are Hindu. This is a greeting I have seen a number of world leaders use.

4. A gesture that works for all brains in all cultures, according to John Tierney, is the “no-fear greeting,” or “palm-show” cue.  It is done by bending your right forearm along your side and showing an open palm. Exposing an open-palm is a universally-recognized sign of nonaggression.

5. You can use the Vulcan Salute, although like the Namaste greeting when the word “Namaste” is uttered, it has a religious connotation. It is a Jewish symbol that comes from the Torah and means live long and prosper.  It is done by raising one’s hand, with space between the middle and ring fingers. and the index fingers and thumb. It was a greeting used by Mr. Spock in Star Trek.

6. Or lastly, you can wave at the person; but if you wave, be sure to restrain your wave unless waving at a friend; and by all means avoid using the royal/regal wave unless you are a member of the royal family.   Waving is a friendly, universally-understood gesture. I prefer this greeting for the social arena, rather than the professional arena, but it all depends on your particular business environment.  If it is less formal, this greeting would be fine. 

You will note I did not recommend elbow bumps. Although I have seen a number of political figures and global leaders use this greeting, it looks unprofessional to me; and according to the World Health Organization, they are too close for comfort. What elbow bumps do do is provide a bit of levity or comic relief to those who employ them; and in these stressful times that is not a bad thing.  

If you are in doubt as to which non-contact greeting to use, I recommend using the one your colleagues use to build rapport with them; or if you are a junior executive meeting a senior executive or have a job interview or meeting with a client, I recommend deferring to that person by adopting his or her preferred non-contact greeting. Of course, another factor to consider is if you are meeting a person from a different culture. That is why the handshake is so ideal and will be missed until contact greetings are safe again. It is the most appropriate, professional greeting that was hitherto used around the globe—a greeting that was never misunderstood.

In case you missed the wonderful segment this spring on the end of handshaking that appeared on “CBS Sunday Morning News,” below is the link to it. I was pleased to be interviewed for it.

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/the-end-of-the-handshake/#x

Stay safe and stay well!

Patricia

Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick, August 2020

                                                           “Manners are having a sensitive awareness of others.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                           -  Emily Post

As states in the U.S and countries around the world begin to reopen, there will be many more people walking on the city sidewalks.  Guidelines for walking on the sidewalk have always existed, although many did not know the guidelines or follow them, for whatever reason. Now, however, it is critical that we do our part and follow these guidelines.  Knowing and following the rules of etiquette for polite behavior in society makes the world a more pleasant, orderly, and, in some cases safer place to be. 

Below are some previously existing as well as some new guidelines to make life less stressful for everyone when we are out-and-about in the city again. Being considerate and having a sensitive awareness of others has never been more necessary. 

1. Stay to the right. When waking on the sidewalk, keep to the far right side of the sidewalk.  Avoid walking in the center of it by yourself or with another person. (People coming toward you on their side of the sidewalk will pass you on your left side.)

2. Pace yourself with your fellow pedestrians. If you walk more slowly than everyone else, people will become impatient with you, and try to pass you, getting much closer to you than they should. Step it up a bit if you see everyone around you walking at a much faster pace.

3. Be patient. I know it is not easy, but if you do get trapped behind a slow walker, try to be patient with them. They may not be aware you are behind them and would like to pass them.

4. Ask nicely: Would it be okay if I passed you?  You have every right to pass someone who is walking too slowly or more slowly than you. Now, however, since we need to keep our distance, it would be a good idea to alert the person to your presence and politely let them you know you would like to pass them so they can step aside. And when they move away, say “Thank you.”

5. Do not take over the entire sidewalk. If you are walking with some friends, walk in twos –not four or more abreast–so there will be room for people to pass you.

6. Be a considerate traveler. If you are pulling rolling luggage, keep it close to your body so that you are not taking up more room than you need to on the sidewalk, or tripping someone walking behind you.

7. Social distance. Try to maintain at least 6 feet or 2 meters between you and the person you are walking behind, as well as someone walking in the same direction as you if that person is unknown to you. If you need to get a little closer than this to pass someone, do so as quickly as possible. If someone is getting too close to you, ask them to please move a little further away, adding that it for their safety as well as yours. 

8. Stay alert; don’t text. Focus on walking and social distancing, rather than looking at your phone. Now, more than ever, it would be a good idea to focus on your surroundings so that you can follow the above guidelines.

9. Do not stop suddenly. If you want to look in a  store window, take a selfie or picture of something interesting,  be mindful of others walking near you before suddenly stopping. And when you do stop, step away from the sidewalk traffic “lanes.”

10. Eat in restaurants or other appropriate places—not walking down the sidewalk. Again, you want to focus on your surroundings and keep up your pace. Plus, it is never a good idea to be eating while walking down the sidewalk. Snack bars and ice cream cones are acceptable in some circumstance. Pizza and sandwiches are not acceptable.

11. Throw your waste in the city-provided trash cans. Keeping the city clean will make it more sanitary, as well as pleasing to view. There is no excuse for throwing plastic gloves or food packaging on the street.

12. Should you accidentally get too close to someone or bump them with your shopping bag, back pack, or umbrella, say, “Excuse me.” 

13. Keep calm; walk on; and wear a mask! Wearing a mask or face covering may not  be required where you live, but wearing one when you are walking in a busy area filled with pedestrians shows that you have a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others and a concern for their welfare.  Wearing a mask now is a kind and considerate thing to do.  

14. Move as far away from others as possible before sneezing or coughing. Even if you are wearing a mask, should you need to sneeze or cough, move as far away from everyone as possible before doing so. Keep in mind it is going to take some time before people become comfortable being out in the public with strangers. So, try not to take it personally if they look at you with disdain or fear in their eyes. Be empathetic to their discomfort.

By:  Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

        May 2020