”The real test of table manners is never to offend the sensibilities of others.”

                                                                                       -Emily Post

When it comes to dining, there is no better or possibly worse place to make an impression than at the table. It is absolutely essential that, if you want to be at your personal best at the table, you will need to have polished dining skills and impeccable table manners.  Of course, finessing the art of the meal– fine dining skills, good table manners, etc.–may take practice, but once you’ve mastered this art, you will have the grace and refinement to dine with anyone, anywhere in the world.                       

Good table manners are about showing a sensitive awareness of others at the table; and conducting oneself in a way that makes the dining experience a pleasant one for everyone involved. Some of the rules for the table were devised for the safety of the diner, and others to make the act of eating more attractive. The best table manners are unaffected, making those around you feel comfortable.

It is food that brings together friends and families after a long day at work or school. It is food that brings us together to celebrate all the special occasions in our lives—weddings, graduations, christenings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, holidays, and promotions.  And today, nearly half of all business transactions, including job interviews, are conducted at the table. If you are unfamiliar with formal table settings and how to properly eat the various courses, you may find the experience of dining with others stressful and unenjoyable.

Children who have good table manners are always welcome at the table—whether at home, at school, or in a restaurant. If you are a parent, I recommend instilling the importance of having good table manners in your children as soon as they are able to join you at the table.  They should be encouraged to practice their table manners just as they are encouraged to practice sports or musical instruments. And whenever possible, parents should join their children for meals and conversation.

For a comprehensive guide to dining, I recommend my book, “The Art of Dining Well—Everything You Need to Know to Shine at the Table.”

Patricia’s Top 20 Rules for the Table

 1.    Wait until everyone has been served to begin eating—unless your host tells you to start, or you are with a large party.

 2.    Avoid talking with food in your mouth.

 3.    Chew your food quietly with your mouth closed.

 4.    Wait until you have swallowed the food in your mouth and dabbed your mouth with your napkin before taking a sip of your beverage.

 5.    Cut and eat one piece of meat at a time.

 6.    Never lick your fingers.  Wipe your fingers and mouth with your napkin.

 7.    Once you have taken your silverware off the table and used it, it should never touch the table again. Place it on your   plate in either the resting or finished position.

 8.    Bring your food to your mouth when you eat; do not bend your head down to your food.

 9.    Don’t reach over someone’s plate for something; ask for the item to be passed.

 10.  Never spear food off another person’s plate with your fork.

 11.  Pass food and other items to the right, or counterclockwise, at the table.

 12.  Always pass the salt and pepper together. They are “married” and never separated.

 13.  Use a utensil instead of your fingers unless you are eating finger foods. Never use your fingers to push food onto your spoon or fork; use your knife.

 14.  Avoid spreading your elbows when cutting. Keep them close to your sides.

 15.  Eat at a similar pace as the others at the table. Do not eat too quickly or too slowly.

 16.  Never pick food out of your teeth at the table.

 17.  If you need to blow your nose, excuse yourself and go to the restroom; and certainly, do not use your napkin.           

 18.  Do not place your cell phone, keys, glasses, or handbag on the table.

 19.  Do not answer your cell phone or text on it while you are at the table.

 20.  Always thank the host at the end of the meal.

Wishing everyone a very happy, healthy, and safe holiday season.

Patricia

Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

December 2021

The initial sight of the holiday table should be beautiful—whether elegant or simple, or conservative or eclectic. As long as everything works together, feel free to let your creativity shine. There are, however, some “rules” or traditions to keep in mind in order to achieve a flawless, festive occasion, as well as ensure the comfort and enjoyment of your guests.  

Below are 10 of the finer points for achieving a flawless, festive occasion:

 1. Spacing for table settings. Allow at least 24 inches of elbow room for each guest. You will need to measure approximately two feet from the center of one place setting to the center of the next place setting.

Tip: The table setting should be a thumb’s length from the edge of the table; and all cutlery items should be evenly lined up.

2. Cutlery. Only set the table with the cutlery that will be used for the food or courses that will be served.  For instance, if dinner is going to be a buffet or served family style and a salad will be eaten at the same time as the main course, a dinner fork would be all that would be required. If you are planning to serve the salad as a separate course, the salad and the dinner fork would be at the place setting. And, if coffee/tea will be served in another room after dinner, a teaspoon would not be placed on the table. 

Tip: The table is set with the cutlery arranged in order of use—from the outside in, with the dessert fork and spoon placed diagonally across the top of the plate.

3. Napkins. Napkins may be placed on the dinner and/or place plate or to the left of the place setting. Napkins can be placed in napkin rings or creatively folded. In either case, they must of course be free of spots and crisply pressed.

4. Tablecloth. If you use a tablecloth, it should hang no more than 12” from the top of the table—unless it is a floor length tablecloth. 

Tip: If you would like to use a runner on the table, it should be long enough to overhang the end of your table by 6 to 10 inches on each end. The runner can lie directly on top of the table or layered over a tablecloth. If layered, it should not hang down further than the tablecloth on the ends. A table runner in a short length can be placed at the center of the table.

5. Chairs. Chairs should be pulled out 12” from the table, just brushing the tablecloth.

6. Salt and pepper shakers. Do plan to have more than one set at the table if you have a long table, or are planning to have more than four guests. At the very least, one should have a set placed at each end of the table. Ideally, sets would be placed between each two guests; or even nicer, each guest would have his/her own set of salt and pepper shakers.

Tip: The shaker with the larger holes is for pepper.

 7. Flowers and candles.  Neither the flowers nor the candles should be so overly fragrant that they overpower the food or placed so high guests cannot see each other over them.

Tip:  Candles should be lit only at dusk, or later, or on overcast days when the table might otherwise be gloomy.

8. Goblets/Glasses. At a minimum, crystal at a formal dinner should include stemmed glasses for wine and water. The water glass should be placed on the inside directly over the dinner knife. And just as you do for the food courses, plan to have a different glass for each wine or beverage being served.

Tip: When placing the wine or water glasses on the table, lift the glass by the stem to avoid leaving finger prints on the glasses.

9. Serving dishes. As courses are served, sauces, gravies, and vinaigrettes prepared especially for the dishes should be placed on the table in bowls with serving spoons for each.

Tip: If you have a long table, it would be a good idea to have two sets of these so that guests do not have to wait to have these items passed around the entire table.

10. Condiments. Even if you are having a less formal dinner—unless it is a picnic—all condiments, such as mustard or ketchup, should be decanted into attractive containers, accompanied by a spoon or whatever utensil is appropriate for the condiment.

Tip: Remove any condiments or sauces and salt and pepper shakers from the table before dessert is served. 

You can see my presentation of this blog on Youtube: https://youtu.be/_87EGjqHTHk

“The Art of Dining Well–Everything You Need to Shine at the Table”

If you would like to brush up on your table manners and dining etiquette before the holidays, I would like to recommend my book “The Art of Dining Well—Everything You Need to Shine at the Table” to you.  It is available to order on Amazon.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Warm regards,

Patricia

Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick December 2020

The key to stress-free entertaining lies in planning ahead and being organized. As soon as the menu is finalized for the meal, it is time to start thinking about the what will be needed for the table setting and what will need to be done before Thanksgiving day to ensure that everything is ready for your guests when they arrive for dinner.

Do the tablecloth and napkins need to be pressed? Does the silver need to be polished? Does the crystal need to be cleaned? Are there enough platters, as well as serving utensils for the platters, for the dishes that will be offered? These are just some of the things that will need to be done ahead of time so that on the actual holiday all you will need to be concerned with is the meal itself–not a small task.

Below are some helpful tips to consider when setting the table:

• The initial sight of the table should be aesthetically pleasing–be it elegant or simple.

• Whether opulent, conservative, or eclectic, the china, linens, flowers, and candles should all
  work together. You can mix and match china, for instance, as long as the patterns complement each other and go with the overall look and color scheme of the table.

• Candles and centerpieces should be about two inches below eye level of your guests. The flowers at the dining table must be low enough so that guests can see one another across the table. White or ivory tapers are appropriate for any table, and of course they should be free of fragrance.

• Candles should be lit only at dusk, or later, or on overcast days when the table might otherwise be gloomy.

• Flowers should not be so overly fragrant that they overpower the food.

• If you use a tablecloth, it should hang no more than 12” from the top of the table—unless it is a floor length tablecloth. And, of course, it should wrinkle and/or crease-free. 

• Space between each place setting: You will need to measure approximately two feet from the center of one place setting to the center of the next place setting. You don’t want guests so far apart that they can’t talk, or too close together that it is difficult for the waiters to serve. For meals during the holidays when we to try to seat more people than the table was meant for, it may not be possible to follow this guideline. 

• Napkins at a formal meal should be all cotton or linen and match the color of the tablecloth (generally white or ivory). Formal dinner napkins are 22 to 26” square.

• If napkin rings are used, guests would place their empty napkin rings above and to the left of the dinner plate during the meal.

• The service plate or charger, which is usually twelve inches in diameter, is on the table when guests sit down. It should be placed one inch from the edge of the table. It is generally removed from the table after the entree course, but can be removed after the soup or salad course as long as another plate is immediately placed on the table before each guest. 

• Plates for each course should be situated as neatly and as uniformly as possible so that the food “faces” each guest the same way. At dessert, for example, wedges of pie and cake should point toward the diner.

• Set the table with all the cutlery that will be necessary for the entire meal.

• The table is set with the cutlery arranged in order of use—from the outside in. Do not expect guests to use the same fork for their entrée that they used for their salad at a formal meal when courses are served, as opposed to buffet style when one fork would be acceptable. 

• For whatever course comes first, you will place the utensil in the extreme right or left of the charger; for the next course the next utensil in, and so on. If it is a formal dinner the server will remove any forks, spoons, or knives that are unnecessary, after each course. Then the correct utensil will be next in line.

• The cutlery should be lined up evenly on either side of the place plate, with the dessert fork and spoon placed diagonally across the top of the plate.  The water glass is placed directly above the dinner knife.

• Do not pick up silverware by the handle, since this will leave fingerprints. Nor should you pick up or touch any part of the silverware that will touch the food. Instead, pick up silverware by the neck. Leave 18” between the inside fork and the inside knife for a la carte; and 12” at a banquet.

• The table setting should be a thumb’s length from the edge of the table.

• Chairs should be pulled out 12” from the table, just brushing the tablecloth.

• At a minimum, crystal at a formal dinner should include stemmed glasses for wine and water.

• Put out separate wineglasses for each different wine you plan to serve during the meal.

• When placing the wine or water glasses on the table, lift the glass by the stem.

• Provide at least one salt and one pepper for every two guests.

SERVING DISHES

• As courses are served, sauces, gravies, and vinaigrettes prepared especially for particular dishes are placed on the table in bowls with serving spoons for each.

• Even if you are having a less formal dinner—unless it is a picnic—all condiments, such as mustard and ketchup, should be decanted into attractive containers accompanied by a spoon or whatever utensil is appropriate for the condiment.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick
November 2019

 1. Do avoid talking with food in your mouth. Take small bites, chewing with your mouth closed, and you will find it easier to answer questions or join in on table talk once you have swallowed your food.

2. Do cut one piece of meat or fish at a time on your plate and eat it before cutting the next one.

3. Do remember solids (food) are always on your left; liquids (beverages) are on your right.

4. Do leave your plate where it is when you have finished eating, with the knife and fork in the 10:20 “I am finished” position. Place the tips of the utensils at 10 and the handles at 4; and remember that once a utensil has been used, it never goes back on the table.

5. Do break your bread and butter one piece at a time, and eat it before breaking and buttering the next piece. 

6. Do remember your posture at the table. Sit up straight and keep your arms (including elbows) off the table. Your hands will rest in your lap if you are eating in the American style. Your hands from the wrist up will rest on the table when you are taking a break from eating. 

7. Do put your napkin in your chair and push your chair in if you need to leave the table during the meal.

8. Do wait until everyone has been served before you begin to eat when you are seated with a small group, eating at the same pace as your dining companions.

9. Do ask for anything you need at the table that is out of reach for you to be passed to you, since you never want reach across the table for something.

10. Do keep your cell phone, keys, and handbag off the table.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Updated: July 2019

                                                     -Oscar Wilde

Are you going to make a sterling impression at the table this holiday season; or, are you going to unknowingly embarrass yourself? I encourage you to test your dining skills and table manners knowledge by answering the following questions.

Write true or false after each statement.

1. Silverware is used from the outside in, which means the piece of silverware furthest from your plate should be used first.

2. Forks are placed to the right at a place setting.

3. The smaller fork at a place setting should be used to eat the entrée.

4. Solids (food) are always on your left, liquids (beverages) are on your right.

5. Your bread plate is on the left side of your plate.

6. It is okay to move your bread plate to right in front of you if your entrée plate is not yet on the table.

7. The napkin should be placed on your lap with the fold or crease facing your lap.

8. The napkin should be placed on the table if you need to excuse yourself and go to the restroom.

9. It is okay to place your napkin on the table when you are finished eating even if everyone else isn’t finished. 

10. If you are eating a messy food, tuck your napkin under your chin.

11. It is good manners to try a little of everything unless you are allergic to a certain food.

12. It doesn’t matter how fast you eat when you are eating with another person—especially your family.

13. Avoid talking with food in your mouth.

14. Always chew with your mouth closed.

15. It is now considered acceptable to slurp your soup.

16. It is permissible to tilt your soup bowl away from you to get the last bit of soup in

    the bowl.

17. The correct way to eat a roll is to butter the whole roll and then eat it in several bites. 

18. The small knife on your bread plate is to cut your roll/bread.

19. Salt and pepper are always passed together and placed on the table, not handed directly to a person.

20. It is okay to reach across someone to get something if they are in the middle of a conversation.

21. Cut and eat one piece of meat of fish at a time on your plate and eat it before cutting the next one.

22. When cutting your meat, always cut with your knife in front your fork, not behind it.

23. When cutting your food your knife should be in your dominant hand.

24. Once you have used a utensil, it never goes back on the table, but must “rest” on your plate.

25. Elbows are allowed on the table when eating in the American style.

26. In the American style of dining, your hands rest on your lap.

27. In the Continental style of dining, your hands rest on the table from the wrists up.

28. In the Continental style of dining, the tines of the fork are turned down when eating, and you eat off the back of the tines.

29. It is okay to lick your fingers when having dessert if you accidentally get icing on them.

30. Placing your knife and fork in the 10:20 position at the end of the meal signals to the wait staff that you are finished with your meal. It is called the “silent service code.” If you used the American style, the tines of your fork will be up. For the Continental style, the tines will be down.

31. A wine glass is held by the bowl at the table, not the stem.

32. Always pass food platters, condiments, and salt and pepper shakers clockwise around the table.

33. At a buffet, start eating when the people at your end of the table have their food.

34. Going prepared with the day’s latest political news to discuss is a good idea.

35. The host/hostess will signal the meal is over by placing their napkin on the table.

36. Always thank the host/hostess at the end of the meal.

Answers

 1. T  2. F  3. F  4. T  5. T  6. F  7. T  8. F  9. F  10. F  11. T  12. F  13. T  14. T  16. T

 17. F  18. F  19. T  20. F  21. T  22. F  23. T  24. T  25. F  26. T  27. T  28. T  29. F 

  30. T  31. F  32. F  33. T  24. T  25. F  26. T  27. T  28. T  29. F  30. T  31. F  32. F

   33. T  34. F  35. T  36. T