Modern-Day Manners for Tennis Players

The mark of great sportsmen is not how good they are at their best,
but how good they are at their worst.

                                                                                               ―Martina Navratilova

I recently started playing tennis again after a long break, and it occurred to me that I had included a chapter on golf etiquette in my last two etiquette books, “The Gentleman’s Journey to Success” and “THRIVE,” but had not included a chapter on tennis etiquette. Like golf, tennis has always been considered a “gentleman’s” sport due to the traditionally polite, well-mannered men, as well as women, who play tennis. 

If you want to build strong relationships outside of the office, I highly recommend taking up golf or tennis if you do not already play one of these sports. Both offer a great way to socialize, network, and build rapport with colleagues and clients.  Of course, playing either sport is also a way to make new friends, exercise, and have fun. Although networking possibilities exist in other sports, golf and tennis are lifelong activities and ones that women do just as well as men. 

According to “Forbes” magazine, 90% of CEOs play golf, and 80% of executives say playing golf enables them to establish new business relationships. Although not as many CEOs play tennis, due to the nature of the sport, many do.  So, choose your sport but choose one of them if you want to get ahead in business and stand out at your next company retreat.

I am assuming you know the basic rules of tennis. For example, how to win a point, how to keep score and how to win a game, set and match. I am also assuming you know how to be a polite, respectful spectator at matches. The purpose of this article is to provide you with the most important manners to mind on the tennis court.

History of Tennis

Most historians believe tennis was originated in the monastic cloisters in northern France in the 12th century, but the ball was then struck with the palm of the hand rather than with a racket. It was not until the 16th century that racquets came into use, and the game began to be called tennis. It was popular in England and France, and Henry VIII of England, one of the first royals to play the game, built his own tennis court at Hampton Court Palace. While the exact court is no longer in existence, a similar court was built in its place in 1625 and is still in use today.

Although for a long time, the game of tennis was played mostly by royalty and the upper classes, it became more popular in the mainstream in the early 1900s when the first Davis Cup tie was announced. In 1913, the foundations of professional tennis were created when the ITF (International Tennis Federation) was launched. Tennis is now a global sport played by anyone who is interested in the game.

Tennis Etiquette

Tennis has always been a sport where manners and polite, respectful behavior have characterized the people that play it. From its inception stemming from the royals and gentry of England and France, tennis is steeped in history surrounding manners and etiquette.

In terms of tennis etiquette, I am referring to the niceties of the game.  This means being well mannered, playing fairly, and being a good sport to your opponent and those around you.

Following are the modern-day manners players need to follow on the tennis court:

1.  Speak softly, turn your cellphone ringer off, and limit your conversations during matches.

Whether talking to another person on your court, playing near a group of players on an adjoining court, or walking past another court, keep your voice down as much as possible. If you have taken your cell phone with you to the tennis court, be sure to turn the ringer off; and unless you are a doctor or there is an emergency, you should avoid taking or making calls on the court. One of the most frustrating things as a tennis player is to be distracted in the middle of a point when you are trying to be competitive and concentrate.

In addition, lengthy conversations should be avoided on the court. Wait until there is a break, or better still, wait until the match is over. Minimal small talk is most appropriate and appreciated until you are away from the tennis courts.

2.  Keep track of your balls.

One of the most important aspects of playing good tennis is keeping your balls in your court. However, if you are playing near other courts and a ball of yours is hit on to another court, don’t shout and scream at the other players and distract them unless they are in danger of falling over the ball. Politely wait until their point is finished before asking for it back or retrieving it yourself.

When it is your turn to serve, be sure to have two tennis balls in your hand, pocket, or ball clip. Your opponent should not have to wait for you to locate a ball between points. 

3. Warming up.

Before tennis matches start, about five minutes is given to warm up. During the warming up period, you should play in a way that allows you and your opponent to stretch and loosen up. Hitting balls to your opponent rather than trying to ace them or put them away is the way warmups should be conducted. It is not a match after all. Something else to keep in mind is that you should not warm up longer than the standard amount of time if you notice people waiting for courts.

4.  Wait for your turn.

If you need to ask the players on a court you have booked when they will be finishing or whether they will be using more than one court, make sure to wait for their point to end, or for a chance in between games to do this.

Do not stand too close to their court or glare at them if they seem to be taking longer than you think they should to finish their game. Remember, this is a “gentleman’s” game. Be a gentleman (lady).

5. Respect the line calls; and avoid arguments.

Unless it is a tournament, more than likely there will not be an official line caller or camera on the court; therefore, it will be up to the players to make the calls on whether balls are in or out. Disputes over line calls are very common and often up for interpretation. Most players, I would hope, would not intentionally say a ball is out, if it is in, or in, if it is out.

Very competitive players often get upset over line calls that are not theirs to make. Etiquette dictates you should respect your opponent’s line call whether you agree with it or not. It is theirs to make. When you lose a point or are not playing up to your full potential it can be upsetting, but do not let your poor performance take away from others’ enjoyment of the match.

If your opponent is consistently making calls you disagree with, then it might be a good idea to get a bystander or tennis pro to watch the line for you. What you should never do is have an argument on the court—especially a heated one. And never throw your racquet on the court in a fit of anger. Maintain your dignity and good nature. Remember, it is only a game.

6.  Do not celebrate lucky shots or net cords.

If your ball hits the net cord and trickles over, or you frame a shot for a winner, it is good etiquette to not wildly celebrate. This is a lucky way to win a point that you may not have planned and almost certainly gives your opponent no chance of winning the point through no fault of their own. Be gracious. A simple apology for a lucky frame or net cord will ensure good feelings on the court.

Furthermore, it is not considered good manners to make a big fuss over any point you win.  It is only natural to feel elated when you play particularly well but gloating over it in front of your opponent will not be well received. On the other hand, if everyone on both sides of the court celebrates a great point or exciting rally, you can feel free to join in.  

7.  Don’t walk behind or across a court without permission.

If there are a group of players on a court and you need to walk past to get to your court, then make sure you wait for them to finish their point and ask if you can go, rather than just walking behind their court without permission. This is very annoying and distracting for players. Wait for the point to end and ask; it’s always better to be polite!

If spectators want to cross the court, they need to wait for the point to end. This is common sense. The risk of getting hit by the flying tennis ball is also another reason why spectators should never cross a court when players are still volleying the tennis ball.

8.  Apologize if you hit someone.

During a close quarters doubles rally or when hitting a passing shot when your opponent is at the net, if you happen to hit your opponent by mistake then be sure to apologize! It can be painful to get hit with a tennis ball, so the last thing your opponent needs when they get hit is someone celebrating or laughing about it! Be kind instead.

9.  Remember the score.

Another important thing to remember when playing tennis is the score. It is inconsiderate to rely on others to remember every point played. Concentrate on the game and help your opponent and/or doubles partner keep track of the score. Experienced players call the score before serving the ball. It is one of the most basic and common tennis etiquettes to remember.

10. Refrain from giving unsolicited advice or criticizing another player’s performance.

New players often appreciate advice from more experienced players on how they could play better during a match.  Sometimes, however, they would prefer to receive this guidance from their tennis coaches. So, be sure your advice is welcome before continually giving it to a person. In addition—whether new or more experienced–players do not appreciate being told “it was your fault” we lost the point or match. Be magnanimous, keeping in mind it could be you who loses the next point or match.

11.  Serving and returning balls.

Always take responsibility for the balls that are on your side of the court. If you are the one who is on the receiving end, always make sure that you return the ball to the one who is serving. Never wait for the server to come and retrieve it.

If a tennis ball accidentally lands in some else’s court, you do not just rush to go take it. You need to wait for the proper time to retrieve it. This means you need to make sure the other players are not playing. Once you see that they finished their point you can go and get it back.

12. Bring a can of balls with you, along with a towel and bottle of water.

Always carry a can of new or slightly used balls with you. Don’t expect the person you often play with to always provide the balls.

Some clubs may have towels and water for you, but it is better to be prepared. If you get often get hungry or need a snack for health reasons between sets, be sure to take something light like a banana or snack bar–nothing that is messy or will leave crumbs on the court. Obviously though, it would be better if you ate before the match and could wait until it is over to eat something away from the court. 

13. Offer to pay the guest fee.

If you are invited to play at a club where you are not a member, offer to pay the guest fee. If your offer is not accepted, you can reciprocate by inviting the person to play at your club on another day. Or perhaps you can treat your host to lunch or dinner. Whatever the case, be sure to follow up with a thank-you note the day after you play.

14. Dress appropriately and be well groomed.

Follow the dress code of the club where you will be playing and be well groomed if you want to make a good impression. In addition, doing so shows respect for the club and the people with whom you will be playing.

If you are not familiar with the dress code, ask your host or call the club directly. Some, but not many clubs and tournaments, still request “all white.” And, of course, it is also important that you wear the right trainers for the type of court on which you will be playing.

15. Do not allow small children or pets near the tennis courts.

Not only is it distracting to the players, but it is dangerous to have small children or pets on or near the tennis courts when games are being played.

16. Be a good sport: shake hands at the end of the match.

Most young people are taught from an early age to always shake hands with their opponents at the end of a sports game. Whether you win or lose, graciously give your opponents a firm handshake and a smile, along with a complimentary comment, such as “well played” when the match is over.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

February 2023

It has been some time since many of us have been to an in-person social event with new people or business colleagues we have not seen for a while.  With that in mind, I wanted to share a past post I wrote that it is especially relevant today and should be of help to you as you begin to socialize again. 

Knowing how to make polite conversation with others is an essential life skill. It is also an important executive skill. Whether you are attending a social function for purely personal reasons, or a social business function for professional reasons, making polite conversation with others will be necessary

According to a survey by “The New York Times,” 93 percent of people identify themselves as shy. This means that– more than likely–93 percent of us will feel anxious when we have to socialize with strangers, or people we don’t know very well. Knowing this statistic should make it easier for us to approach new people. And knowing how to properly approach them will give you the confidence to be the one to take the initiative and reach out to others–becoming known as a savvy socializer, which is a big plus in your personal and professional life.

The following pointers will provide you with all you need to know in order to make polite conversation with “strangers,” so that you can mingle with ease and grace at all your social functions:

• Prepare for the event. Never go to an event without something to say or talk about. The best conversationalists tend to be great storytellers are well versed in countless topics. Read the newspaper so that you will know what is going on in the world.  Have a few common interest or funny stories to tell. If it’s a business function, read the trade journals or newsletters before you go. Think about topics people attending the event would be interested in hearing about and be ready to talk about them.

• Plan your self-introduction. Have a pre-planned self-introduction tailored to the event. “Hello; I’m the bride’s aunt;” or “Hello, I’m representing Bank of America at this event. I work in the marketing division.”

• Take business or social cards with you. Always take your business or social cards with you. They make it easy for others to contact you.

• If you would like someone’s card, simply ask them for it. “Do you have a card? May I have one?” But never give your card to someone unless they ask for it. If you ask someone for their card, but they don’t ask you for yours, you can ask, “May I give you, my card?

• Dress appropriately for the occasion. When you are dressed appropriately for an occasion, it will make you feel more confident, as well as more comfortable When you are dressed inappropriately, it will not only make you feel uncomfortable, but it will also make those attending the event uncomfortable.

• Go on time or no more than fifteen minutes late. If you go late for an event, conversational groups will have already formed, and it will be harder for you to break into conversations. Plus, going late to an event shows disrespect for the event, as well as the person or group hosting the event.

• Adopt a positive attitude.  Think about the benefits of going to the event, and then adopt a positive attitude, because your attitude begins on the inside and shows on the outside. The minute you walk in the door, your body is busy telling people all about you. Are you happy to be there? If not, it will show in your body language. Do you walk in with your head held high and an air of confidence, as if you were happy to be there and have something to contribute? If so, people will be drawn to you.

“Nothing is so contagious as enthusiasm; it moves stones, it charms brutes.” Edward Bulwer-Lytton

• Make an entrance. Never rush into a room. Walk in slowly, step to the right of the entrance, and pause for a few minutes before entering the room. Everyone watches the entrance. This is your first opportunity to make a good impression; and it gives you a chance to see where everyone, including key persons with whom you would like to talk, is in the room

• Look approachable. Smile. Make eye contact. Just as important as being able to approach others is looking approachable yourself. Is your body language open? Are your feet pointed toward the person with whom you would like to talk, or are talking? Are your arms uncrossed?  Are your palms open reaching out to others? These are all “I am open for business and interested in talking to you” body language signs.

• Break the ice: make small talk. Even though it is called “small talk,” as Michael Korda says, “There is nothing small about small talk.”

Small talk topics:

-          Your shared experience is always a good topic when you want to initiate a conversation with a new person. Talking about the venue, the food, the room, the view, the weather, are all good small talk topics.

Example: “These are delicious hors d’oeuvres. Which one is your favorite?   After the person answers, extend your right hand, if appropriate, and introduce yourself.

-          Research also shows that the best ice breaker may be a simple smile and a “Hello.” How difficult can that be?

-          Give a sincere compliment. It’s one of the best ways to begin a conversation. Everyone likes a compliment–particularly if it is about a personal characteristic or achievement. “You are so good about introducing others and making them feel comfortable.”

• Build rapport. Build rapport before launching into any conversation that involves opinions. Connect first, and after you have established a bond, you can give your opinion about something. Do make it a positive opinion and tread lightly. Social functions are not meant for serious conversations.

• To build instant rapport, try to mirror and match your conversational partner, but do it discreetly. Match their body language. Match their manner of speaking—fast, slow. Listen for the words they use. What sense do they favor? Are they a visual, auditory, or kinesthetic type of person? Then use those words: “I see what you’re saying.” I hear what you’re saying.” I feel what you’re saying.”

• Play the three-three “game.” Make it your mission to meet three new people and find three things in common with those three people. It’s like a fishing expedition: you throw out topics to see which one takes.  After you find three things in common with a person, you will have a natural rapport with them. If you don’t, move on to the next person. Don’t allow yourself to become discouraged.

• Know how to handle your cocktail utensils. It is possible to hold a glass—even a cocktail plate with your glass on top of it– in your left hand, while you shake hands with your right hand when you greet another person.

• Eat or talk. If you want to be viewed as a refined and polished socializer, you will certainly not talk with food in your mouth. You can eat or talk—just not at the same time.

• Properly introduce others. Knowing how to properly introduce others will put you far ahead of the crowd.  When you incorrectly introduce someone, it can be in insulting to the person you are introducing and embarrassing to the others around you. Introducing others even if you have forgotten the rules, however, is an act of kindness. How would you feel if no one introduced you? Whenever anyone walks up to you and you are with another person who is unknown to them, it is your duty to introduce them. And what if you have forgotten one person’s name? Simply say, I’m so sorry, I have I forgotten your name, but I want to introduce you. I even forget my mother’s name when I get nervous.”

• Enter conversations with one person or a group, but not two people. Initiating a conversation with one person is ideal. They will be grateful to you for walking up to them and starting a conversation. Walking up to two people engaged in a conversation–particularly if their body language shows that they are very involved in what they are talking about—and interrupting them is rude. (There are certain times, however, when it is okay to quickly say, “Excuse me. I just wanted to say “Hello. I hope to have a chance to talk to you later.”  Then walk away.)

  Entering group conversations may seem difficult, but with a little practice you can become more adept at it. To do so, stand slightly away from the group, show interest in the speaker. A group may be slow to warm up at first, but once they get used to seeing you, they will slowly shift to bring you into the circle. You can also, ease into the group by demonstrating you have been listening, and when there is a break in the conversation, smile and ask, “May I join you.” Once you do join the group, be sure to introduce yourself, and shake hands with each person in the group if it is a business function. It is not about you; it’s about the other person. Focus on the other person and you will be less self-conscious. Focus on the other person and that will make them feel important. That in turn will make you important to them. This is the ultimate trait of a charming person—one who makes others feel important. When conversing, if you hear the word “I” more than “you,” you will know you are focusing more on yourself rather than the other person.

• Be a generous listener. Truly listening to another person is the highest compliment we can pay them. Listen actively with your ears, eyes, and heart. Give signals that you are listening by nodding your head, smiling—if appropriate–and ask questions that follow up what the person has been talking about.

• Avoid being a “close talker.” A “close talker” is an annoying person who doesn’t understand the spatial boundaries of a conversation. Speaking in uncomfortably close proximity—never-more than 18 inches—makes him or her seem pushy and “in your face.” The comfort zone, or the distance that you keep between yourself and friends, is usually one-and-a-half feet to four feet at social gatherings.

• Make a graceful exit. Social events and mingling are not meant for long or serious conversations. We should spend around eight to ten minutes with each person at a social function, according to Miss Manners. We must, however, make our exits graceful.

Some suggestions for exit lines are:

-          “It’s been great talking with you. I really enjoyed hearing about…”

-          “It was so nice to meet you and hear about your trip to ………I haven’t said hello to the host yet, so if you will excuse me. I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening.”

-          “I won’t monopolize you any further, but it has been really nice talking with you.”

• Table Talk. When seated at a table, the only people a guest is actually required to speak to are his neighbors to the left and right. Traditionally, one would speak to the person at one’s right; and then speak to the person on one’s left, avoiding with either any unpleasant or controversial topics.

• Thank the host and/or hostess.  Always thank the host and/or hostess before leaving an event. And, in some cases, depending upon the occasion, a telephone call, or hand-written thank-you note should be sent the next day.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Updated:  April  2022

We are in the midst of the Coronavirus Pandemic; and we have been advised to avoid hugging, kissing or shaking hands when we see someone we know or meet someone for the first time. So, what would be the appropriate non-contact way to greet someone in the professional arena when we encounter them this fall?

First of all, smile and make direct eye contact with the person.  Even if you are wearing a mask, which hopefully you will be, a smile will evident.

Then, you have the following non-contact choices for what to do next instead of shaking their hand:

1. You can simply nod your head as you state your greeting: “Hello, Mr. Johnson. It is a pleasure to meet you.” Of course, if you are greeting an Asian business person, you might nod your head lower, only slightly bowing if you are not Asian. Bowing is a sign of respect in the Asian culture.

2. You can put your hand over your heart as you state your greeting. Many cultures associate this gesture with honesty. It indicates that one is not bearing arms—as does the handshake– or that one appears to have genuine intentions, or is giving one’s word of honor. Of course in the United States we put our hand over our heart when pledging allegiance to the flag.

3. You can use the respectful Hindu Namaste greeting, which is done by placing one’s palms together, fingers pointed upwards and drawing the hands to the heart, while bowing your head slightly.  It is not necessary to say Namaste unless you are Hindu. This is a greeting I have seen a number of world leaders use.

4. A gesture that works for all brains in all cultures, according to John Tierney, is the “no-fear greeting,” or “palm-show” cue.  It is done by bending your right forearm along your side and showing an open palm. Exposing an open-palm is a universally-recognized sign of nonaggression.

5. You can use the Vulcan Salute, although like the Namaste greeting when the word “Namaste” is uttered, it has a religious connotation. It is a Jewish symbol that comes from the Torah and means live long and prosper.  It is done by raising one’s hand, with space between the middle and ring fingers. and the index fingers and thumb. It was a greeting used by Mr. Spock in Star Trek.

6. Or lastly, you can wave at the person; but if you wave, be sure to restrain your wave unless waving at a friend; and by all means avoid using the royal/regal wave unless you are a member of the royal family.   Waving is a friendly, universally-understood gesture. I prefer this greeting for the social arena, rather than the professional arena, but it all depends on your particular business environment.  If it is less formal, this greeting would be fine. 

You will note I did not recommend elbow bumps. Although I have seen a number of political figures and global leaders use this greeting, it looks unprofessional to me; and according to the World Health Organization, they are too close for comfort. What elbow bumps do do is provide a bit of levity or comic relief to those who employ them; and in these stressful times that is not a bad thing.  

If you are in doubt as to which non-contact greeting to use, I recommend using the one your colleagues use to build rapport with them; or if you are a junior executive meeting a senior executive or have a job interview or meeting with a client, I recommend deferring to that person by adopting his or her preferred non-contact greeting. Of course, another factor to consider is if you are meeting a person from a different culture. That is why the handshake is so ideal and will be missed until contact greetings are safe again. It is the most appropriate, professional greeting that was hitherto used around the globe—a greeting that was never misunderstood.

In case you missed the wonderful segment this spring on the end of handshaking that appeared on “CBS Sunday Morning News,” below is the link to it. I was pleased to be interviewed for it.

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/the-end-of-the-handshake/#x

Stay safe and stay well!

Patricia

Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick, August 2020

                                                           “Manners are having a sensitive awareness of others.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                           -  Emily Post

As states in the U.S and countries around the world begin to reopen, there will be many more people walking on the city sidewalks.  Guidelines for walking on the sidewalk have always existed, although many did not know the guidelines or follow them, for whatever reason. Now, however, it is critical that we do our part and follow these guidelines.  Knowing and following the rules of etiquette for polite behavior in society makes the world a more pleasant, orderly, and, in some cases safer place to be. 

Below are some previously existing as well as some new guidelines to make life less stressful for everyone when we are out-and-about in the city again. Being considerate and having a sensitive awareness of others has never been more necessary. 

1. Stay to the right. When waking on the sidewalk, keep to the far right side of the sidewalk.  Avoid walking in the center of it by yourself or with another person. (People coming toward you on their side of the sidewalk will pass you on your left side.)

2. Pace yourself with your fellow pedestrians. If you walk more slowly than everyone else, people will become impatient with you, and try to pass you, getting much closer to you than they should. Step it up a bit if you see everyone around you walking at a much faster pace.

3. Be patient. I know it is not easy, but if you do get trapped behind a slow walker, try to be patient with them. They may not be aware you are behind them and would like to pass them.

4. Ask nicely: Would it be okay if I passed you?  You have every right to pass someone who is walking too slowly or more slowly than you. Now, however, since we need to keep our distance, it would be a good idea to alert the person to your presence and politely let them you know you would like to pass them so they can step aside. And when they move away, say “Thank you.”

5. Do not take over the entire sidewalk. If you are walking with some friends, walk in twos –not four or more abreast–so there will be room for people to pass you.

6. Be a considerate traveler. If you are pulling rolling luggage, keep it close to your body so that you are not taking up more room than you need to on the sidewalk, or tripping someone walking behind you.

7. Social distance. Try to maintain at least 6 feet or 2 meters between you and the person you are walking behind, as well as someone walking in the same direction as you if that person is unknown to you. If you need to get a little closer than this to pass someone, do so as quickly as possible. If someone is getting too close to you, ask them to please move a little further away, adding that it for their safety as well as yours. 

8. Stay alert; don’t text. Focus on walking and social distancing, rather than looking at your phone. Now, more than ever, it would be a good idea to focus on your surroundings so that you can follow the above guidelines.

9. Do not stop suddenly. If you want to look in a  store window, take a selfie or picture of something interesting,  be mindful of others walking near you before suddenly stopping. And when you do stop, step away from the sidewalk traffic “lanes.”

10. Eat in restaurants or other appropriate places—not walking down the sidewalk. Again, you want to focus on your surroundings and keep up your pace. Plus, it is never a good idea to be eating while walking down the sidewalk. Snack bars and ice cream cones are acceptable in some circumstance. Pizza and sandwiches are not acceptable.

11. Throw your waste in the city-provided trash cans. Keeping the city clean will make it more sanitary, as well as pleasing to view. There is no excuse for throwing plastic gloves or food packaging on the street.

12. Should you accidentally get too close to someone or bump them with your shopping bag, back pack, or umbrella, say, “Excuse me.” 

13. Keep calm; walk on; and wear a mask! Wearing a mask or face covering may not  be required where you live, but wearing one when you are walking in a busy area filled with pedestrians shows that you have a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others and a concern for their welfare.  Wearing a mask now is a kind and considerate thing to do.  

14. Move as far away from others as possible before sneezing or coughing. Even if you are wearing a mask, should you need to sneeze or cough, move as far away from everyone as possible before doing so. Keep in mind it is going to take some time before people become comfortable being out in the public with strangers. So, try not to take it personally if they look at you with disdain or fear in their eyes. Be empathetic to their discomfort.

By:  Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

        May 2020

Connecting in the Age of Social Distancing

  “Just the briefest eye contact can heighten empathic feelings,

giving people a sense of being drawn together.”

                                             - Robert A. Lavine, Ph.D

Until very recently, a firm handshake was touted as the most professional and acceptable way to greet and connect with others in the business world. A firm handshake, along with direct eye contact, conveyed confidence and trustworthiness, as well as a genuine interest in meeting another person.  

So, what does one do now to convey these subconscious, nonverbal messages in the age of social distancing when we are being discouraged from shaking hands? We will need to rely on our eye contact to convey this messaging. Although it cannot entirely compensate for the hand-to-hand physical connection of a handshake, deliberate, warm eye contact can go a long way toward making the person you are meeting feel positive about you.

Eye contact is powerful! Why? Because according to neuroeconmics researcher Paul Zak, a single molecule controls our trust and it is oxytocin, which we are programmed to interpret as a nonverbal sign of goodwill. Oxytocin is released during mutual gazing, or eye contact, when it is held for three to five seconds. It is the same hormone that is released by our brains when we shake hands with someone. 

Eye contact is deeply rooted in our genes. Just as an extended hand meant we came in friendship in the early caveman days, one’s eye contact could mean the difference between life and death, attraction and indifference.

Although human beings have been making eye contact since the beginning of time, the term was only first coined in the mid-1960s and was defined as a meaningful and important sign of confidence, respect, and social communication.

Americans are firm in their belief that good eye contact, or mutual gazing, is important during business and social conversations. It is one of the most powerful ways to make a real connection with someone. Use it to build trust and show interest. When having a conversation with another person your eye contact tells the person you are listening; makes you a better listener; and focuses attention on the individual, which makes him or her feel more important while you look in control.

Signals eye contact sends:

1. Business gaze: Professional

Focuses on upper face: brows and forehead. Full attention on your eyes and words and look directly, but alternately, between your left and right eye.

2. Social gaze: Not professional

Focuses on mid-face: eyes and mouth.

3. Intimate gaze. Never in business.

Focuses on chest and below.

Averting the eyes often signifies a lack of sincerity or confidence, although direct eye contact is avoided in many cultures. In most cultures,  however, direct eye contact should be made 40 to 60 percent of the time, or for 3 to 5 seconds at a time. Less than that and a person is seen as shy, shifty, hiding something, or lacking self-confidence and authority.

If eye contact is more than 60 percent, or over 5 seconds, a person will feel put on the spot, examined, or under a microscope. Plus, it can be creepy or confrontational. 

If you sometimes get feedback that you are coming across as too critical or in a negative manner, and you don’t mean to do that, check your eye contact. You may be exceeding the comfortable amount of eye contact and people see this as being pinned down.

Do: 

• When you meet someone, let your eyes say, “I am delighted to meet you and am very much looking forward to working with you. I am someone you can trust to keep my word.”

• To be a good listener, let your eyes say, “I’m listening” and convey empathy and concern.

• When you are talking, watch your listener’s eyes to see if you are holding his or her attention. It does not matter what you say if the person you are speaking to is not listening. 

 By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick, April 2020

           10 Soft Skills to Refine to Achieve More Personal 

                      and Professional Success this Year

Much of what it takes to be successful in social settings is valuable in business as well. Impeccable manners and the ability to move with ease and grace in social circles are vital characteristics of powerful, successful people. If you are articulate, dress well, and back it up with the polished  social graces that put others at ease and enjoy being around you, virtually no group will exclude you.

It’s a new year, new decade–time for a new beginning!  Vow to become your unique, personal best. By refining the 10 soft skills outlined below, you will achieve more personal and professional success. 

1. Be open and confident.

When it comes to making the first impression, body language, as well as appearance, speaks louder than words. Use your body language to project appropriate confidence and self-assurance. Stand tall, smile, make eye contact, and shake hands with a firm grip.

 2. Dress appropriately and stylishly for all occasions; and always be well-groomed.

You should look appropriate for your environment and authentic to you. Being trendy is not important, but being current with accessories, especially shoes, color, and fashion accents indicates you are aware of what is fashionable.

“Good grooming is not just about making a polished first impression,” writes Sylvia Ann Hewlett in her book “Executive Presence.” “It is about signaling to your competitors, and yourself, that you are in total control.” When your nails are chipped, your shoes are scuffed, or your clothes are wrinkled, it is impossible to make a good impression.

3. Introduce yourself and others with warmth and enthusiasm.

Always prepare a self-introduction before going to a meeting or event. Say your name slowly and clearly, making eye contact when you introduce yourself. When introducing others, be sure to follow the rules for proper introductions, and always add something about each person to aid them in starting a conversation.

4. Be courteous.

In our modern world, how you treat others and your actions affect how people view you. Being thoughtful and thinking of others will never go out of style. When you are kind and have good manners, treat others as you would like to be treated, and make other people feel good about themselves, other people want to be around you. 

5. Build rapport for better relationships.

People like people like themselves. Try to establish a feeling that you are on the same wavelength when trying to build rapport with a new person. Pick up on key words, favorite phrases, and ways of speaking that someone uses, and build them subtly into your own conversation. Adopt a similar stance to them in terms of your body language, gestures, voice tone and speed. It is called “mirroring” and “matching.”

6. Master the art of small talk and making polite conversation.

Always have something to say. Be informed. Be conversant on a wide variety of topics. Appropriate topics of conversation include news events, sports, cultural events, entertainment, travel, hobbies, etc.

7. Listen and show genuine interest in others.

People like people who find them interesting. Nothing is more flattering to another person or wins more friends than someone who listens to them. It’s the secret weapon of charming, likable  people. 

“And above all, really focus on what is being said to you,” advises Heidi Grant Halvorson in “No One Understands You and What to Do About It.” “People need to feel they have been heard, even when you can’t give them what they are asking for.”

8. Convey warmth and competence.

According to Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy, perceptions of warmth and competence account for roughly 90 percent of the variability in whether you are perceived positively or negatively by others. Research shows eye contact, nodding, and smiling are the three key physical indicators of warmth.

 9. Sharpen your dining skills and table manners.

Let’s face it: We are judged by our table manners and we judge others by their table manners. Persons sitting at or near our table cannot help but notice our table manners or lack of them. If our table manners are good, they will judge us favorably; and if our table manners are poor, they will judge us unfavorably.

10. Build an authentic, honest, and compelling brand.

What defines you? What makes you unique? What is your highest value? Be that person on a consistent basis. Reinforce your brand at every opportunity—both online and offline. According to Sally Hogshead in “Project Fascination,” “To be more successful, you don’t have to change who you are, you only have to be more of what you are at your best.”

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, productive 2020!  May all your goals for the new year come true!

Patricia

Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Founder, President

Updated: January 2020

 10 Tips for Communicating Confidence and Presence

with Your Powerful Body Language

“Unless the audience sees the right image, it doesn’t hear the right message. We believe it when we see it.”

                                                       -Mark Bowden, “Winning Body Language”

You can dress the part and say the right words—and granted these are extremely important—but if your body language does not match or is not congruent with your visual and verbal message, you will not be believable, or credible. In other words, you will not be able to successfully communicate your message.

From the moment you walk in the door, your body is telling people all about you; and body language is the fastest way you can showcase confidence to others and exude a winning first impression. Why is confidence so important? Because we are constantly looking for winners to lead us. According to a major study done by Carnegie Mellon, a professional’s confidence is more important than a professional’s reputation, skill set, or history.

Over half of the information you provide others about the connection you have with them comes from your body language, or body talk. In fact, 55 percent of a message in conveyed by body language; 38 percent by the tone of voice; and the verbal content only 7 percent of the perceived communication. Yes, 93% percent of communication is nonverbal.

1.     Stand tall and maintain a wide stance. 

Erect posture instantly identifies you as someone with something to contribute; and signals that you are confident. Stand like a winner. Not only will you look more confident, but you will feel more confident. And keep in mind that if you appear confident, people will think you have something to be confident about. People accept what you project,

Also keep in mind that when you sit, you want to maintain erect posture. Slouching or bad posture coveys you are a slob or not as competent as those who sit straight, according to Dr. Lillian Glass, a body language expert

“Your body shapes your mind. Your mind shapes your behavior. And your behavior shapes your future. Let your body tell that you’re powerful and deserving, and your will feel more confident.”

                                                                                   - Amy Cuddy, “Presence”

2.     Keep your head level; chin positioned properly.

A level head indicates an assured, candid, capable nature. It might also give your voice fuller tones and make you seem to be looking at people straight in the eye. A bowed head, eyes studying the floor, makes you look unsure, vulnerable, passive, and possibly even guilty of something.

3.     Walk the walk.

From the moment you walk in the room with dignity and easy confidence you tell people you are someone who matters. Walking well begins with perfect posture. Keep your rib cage high and chin up to add confidence to your walk. Think tall and light, keeping your weight forward on the balls of your feet. Do not settle into each step. Keep your momentum evenly spaced, and walk with a natural, comfortable rhythm. In general, powerful walking is more expansive, with more arm movement and a longer stride.

4.     Keep hands visible.

Avoid putting both hands in your pockets. It makes you appear uninterested or bored, uncommitted, and sometimes nervous. One hand is okay if the other hand is gesturing. Keeping hands open and palms facing upward indicates openness and honesty; and a willingness to connect with people.

“Pockets are murderers of rapport. When someone can see your hands, they feel more at ease and more likely to befriend you. When walking into a room or waiting to meet someone, keep your hands out of your pockets.”

                                                                        – Vanessa Van Edwards, “Captivate”

5.     Make eye contact.

Your eyes are powerful nonverbal tools in part because you make conscious choices of how to use them, and in part because they do a lot of things on their own. When meeting someone for the first time, it is considered polite to make eye contact for a few seconds, but it is considered quite rude to make eye contact and stare. Brief contact is considered normal, but outright staring at other people is interpreted as hostile or threatening. Not making eye contact is just as powerful. You might break eye contact and look away to signal to the other person you are ready to end the conversation or frustrated that the other person is talking too much. Not making eye contact when you meet someone for the first time is also a sign of low self-esteem, or lack of self-confidence. Eye contact should be made 40 to 60 % of the time in the appropriate eye zones.

 6.     Use facial expressions to reinforce communication.

Your face is the focal point of conversation and interaction, so the impact of its movements and expressions is magnified. The face is a tool for communicating emotions and feelings, but it is also important for regulating and directing an interaction. Once you have started a conversation with another person, your facial expressions help to encourage, or conversely, discourage further interest and interaction.

Being overly expressive, on the other hand, can detract from your credibility. In situations where you want to maximize your authority–minimize your movements and animation—especially if the audience is comprised mostly of men.  When you appear calm and contained, you look more powerful.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

7.     Give a warm smile.

Smiling is a powerful and positive nonverbal cue for signaling likeability and friendliness. It is especially important to smile when you are meeting someone, since it signals a sincere interest in meeting them. Women, however, should be aware that excessive smiling can make them appear less credible in the professional arena.

“Smiling has huge consequences for establishing connections. A smile can improve and repair relationships or ease conflict. It’s a way of saying to the other person you can be trusted.”

                                   - Marianne LaFrance, psychology professor at Yale University

 8.     Offer a firm handshake.

A handshake can produce a higher degree of trust within a matter of seconds; and the power of the handshake should never be underestimated. In the Western Culture, the only acceptable physical touching when you are meeting someone in business for the first time is the handshake. And, even with handshakes, there are many variations of the “basic” handshake. The most important thing to keep in mind, if you want to make a positive impression and convey confidence, is to firmly clasp the other person’s hand when shaking hands. Squeeze until you feel their muscles tighten, then stop.

“Handshaking is a valuable form of nonverbal communication. It is a form of interactive body language the offers insights into how the other person views the world, him or herself, and you. It is a vital, if usually subconscious, part of creating a first impression and sending a parting message.”

                                 - Robert E Brown and Dorothea Johnson, “The Power of Handshaking”

 9.     Create a credible, professional vocal image.

Voice is an important part of the nonverbal behaviors and cues that you both send and receive. Most people don’t know or understand the nonverbal influence of their voice. Before you meet someone for the first time, more than likely you have spoken to them on the telephone. Thus, the opinions they form of you are based on one thing only—your voice. It is vital, therefore, that you project the correct voice image.  Speak with optimal volume; articulate clearly; avoid mumbling; avoid filler words and sloppy words. Sound confident in what you are saying, avoiding up-speak and excessive apologies.

 10.  Use gestures to reinforce communication.

If you want to appear comfortable and unguarded, your gestures need to start talking when you begin to speak.  Don’t think about your gestures; they should appear natural and reinforce what you are saying. Hand gestures make people listen to you. They make people pay attention to the acoustics of speech, according to Spence Kelly, a professor at Colgate University. Use them sparingly at key moments. When you gesture too much or too expansively, it can be distracting and detract from your message.

I prefer for the gesturing to go no higher than the top of your chest, and no lower than the bottom of your waist. However, some body language experts believe the power sphere extends to your face.

“Picture your power sphere as a circle that runs from the top of your eyes, out to the tips of your outstretched hands, down to the belly button and back up to your eyes again. Hands that go below your navel lack energy and confidence.”

- Carmine Gallo, “Talk Like Ted”

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

       Updated October 2019

 1. Do avoid talking with food in your mouth. Take small bites, chewing with your mouth closed, and you will find it easier to answer questions or join in on table talk once you have swallowed your food.

2. Do cut one piece of meat or fish at a time on your plate and eat it before cutting the next one.

3. Do remember solids (food) are always on your left; liquids (beverages) are on your right.

4. Do leave your plate where it is when you have finished eating, with the knife and fork in the 10:20 “I am finished” position. Place the tips of the utensils at 10 and the handles at 4; and remember that once a utensil has been used, it never goes back on the table.

5. Do break your bread and butter one piece at a time, and eat it before breaking and buttering the next piece. 

6. Do remember your posture at the table. Sit up straight and keep your arms (including elbows) off the table. Your hands will rest in your lap if you are eating in the American style. Your hands from the wrist up will rest on the table when you are taking a break from eating. 

7. Do put your napkin in your chair and push your chair in if you need to leave the table during the meal.

8. Do wait until everyone has been served before you begin to eat when you are seated with a small group, eating at the same pace as your dining companions.

9. Do ask for anything you need at the table that is out of reach for you to be passed to you, since you never want reach across the table for something.

10. Do keep your cell phone, keys, and handbag off the table.

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Updated: July 2019

“Handshaking is a valuable form of nonverbal communication. It is a form of interactive body language that offers insights into how the other person views the world, him or herself, and you. It is a vital, if usually subconscious, part of creating a first impression and sending a parting message.”

                                          -Robert E. Brown and Dorothea Johnson, “The Power of Handshaking”

The French kiss, the Chinese bow; and yet, when the President of China recently met with the President of France, they shook hands. Do you know why? Because the handshake is the most acceptable greeting worldwide. It transcends cultures.

What impression are you making with your handshake?

Never underestimate the power of the perfect handshake! Since the beginning of time, we have reached out with our hands to say we come in friendship. That is still the meaning of a handshake.

The handshake is the only socially acceptable way in which one can touch another person in business in the Western Culture when meeting them for the first time. A handshake leaves an indelible message upon the other person.

Handshakes reveal one’s inner traits, personality, and the way one feels about the person they are meeting.

A handshake begins a business relationship; and it “seals the deal:” Let’s shake on it. In fact, that was all that was needed at one time between two people who had come to an agreement on a business deal.

The moment we have skin-to-skin touch with someone our bodies produces something called oxytocin. Oxytocin is the connection hormone. When you shake hands with someone your body produces it; and it is the exact hormone you both need to build trust and then a deeper connection. 

Why is a powerful handshake so important?        

Because in less than five seconds, a prospective employer, client or business associate can learn a lot about you – whether you’re trustworthy, confident and competent, and whether you follow through. A good handshake accompanied by direct eye contact and a warm smile signals you are confident and trustworthy—the two most important traits for a business person to possess.

To make a winning first impression, you need a powerful handshake. To stand out from the competition, you need a powerful handshake. To land the job, you need a powerful handshake. Many people have lost job and business opportunities due to a poor handshake. That’s how important a powerful handshake is.

How to Master the Powerful Handshake

1. Always be prepared for a handshake by making sure your right hand is always free to shake hands. Shift anything you are carrying to your left hand—particularly cold drinks which can make your hands feel cold and clammy.
2. Never shake hands with your left hand in your pocket. Both hands should be visible.
3. Always stand for a handshake—man or woman.
4. Make eye contact and smile warmly. Beware of smiling too much since it will make you appear over-eager. Tip: Make eye contact long enough to note the color of the person’s eyes.
5. Keep your head straight and face the other person shoulder-to-shoulder, heart-to-heart. Keep about 18” between you and the other person.
6. Flex knees; move right foot 2” ahead of the left as you extend your right hand.
7. Extend your hand vertically with the thumb up and fingers out. Avoid palm down (dominant) or palm up (submissive). And don’t extend your hand with the thumb up and fingers curled. Angle your thumb straight to the ceiling.
8. Don’t begin your handshake until you have connected web-to-web and the palms of your hands are touching.
9. Shake from the elbow, not the wrist or shoulder, with two smooth pumps.
10. Squeeze until you feel their muscles tighten, and then stop. Match the other person’s grip.

Handshakes to Avoid:

• Bone crusher
• Limp fish
• Glove Handshake

Always Shake Hands:

• When introduced to a person and when you say goodbye.
• When someone comes to your home or office to visit you.
• When introduced to a person and when you say goodbye.
• When someone comes into your home or office to visit you.
• When you meet someone outside your home or office.
• When you enter a room, are greeted by those you know, or are introduced to those you do not know.
• When you leave a gathering attended by friends or business associates.
• When you are congratulating a person who has won an award, or has given a speech.
• With those nearest you, your host, and with whomever you meet as you move around the room.
• After you have signed a contract.
• At the end of a game.

The Man-Woman Issue

• Historically, men were not expected to shake hands with a woman, but today, everyone is expected to shake hands with everyone in business. And a man should give a woman the same firm handshake he gives a man. In social situations, however, a man should wait for a woman to extend her hand first. In Europe, a man should wait for a woman to extend her hand in business as well as social situations.

• In general, the person with the higher status—man or woman—will initiate the handshake—in the Western culture. When other people observe the interaction, they perceive the initiator as having more status. When a woman walks up to a man and reaches out her hand to him, initiating the handshake, she is conveying to him, as well as to the rest of the world that she views her status as at least equal to and possibly even greater than his.

Handshaking Internationally

Handshakes can vary by culture. For instance, in the Middle East, a handshake is rather limp and lingering. In Japan, a light handshake and a nod of head are appropriate. Do your homework before traveling to another country for business. First impressions are made in seconds; and the first impression begins with your greeting.

Homework Assignment

Shake hands with several people in your office and ask them to evaluate your handshake? Is it too weak? Is it too strong?  Or, is it a firm handshake, accompanied by confident, warm, open body language?            

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick
April 2019

Modern Manners for the Younger Generations:

10 Tips to Help You Make a Positive Impression with the Older Generations

Etiquette evolves to adapt to the times; but manners are a constant because manners are more about how we treat other people, rather than strict rules for how things should be done. Manners are about being mindful of others and showing respect for them. Good manners never go out of style! 

Millennials and Gen Zers are our future leaders. And as such, will be role models for all who follow them. I know all in these two generations are not alike, just like all baby boomers are not alike; but there are many common traits–some quite wonderful, and some that might be improved upon. For the ones that need a little work, I have the following tips that are sure to make a positive impression with the older generations, as well as set a good example for all who will be following them: 

1. Put your mobile device away. Not all the time, but occasionally it would be nice. I am sure you frequently hear this, “He/she never puts his/her mobile device away.”  If you would try to discipline yourself to put your mobile device away when you are with a date, your relatives, or anyone you respect, it would be noticed, and I am certain appreciated.

    

2. Make polite conversation. When you show interest in others and ask questions about them, they will find you likeable. They will also think you are well-mannered. When you are invited to a social event or someone’s home, you should always go prepared with a few conversation topics they would find interesting. In other words, plan on being sociable and showing interest in the people you know or are meeting for the first time.

    

3. Make eye contact. When you are speaking to another person, it is polite to make eye contact with them. It shows respect for the person; and it also shows you are confident enough to make eye contact. Force yourself to look others in the eye when greeting, talking, and especially listening.

    

4. Mind your posture. Stand and sit up straight. Slouching makes you look lazy, disinterested, as well as disrespectful to the person with whom you are speaking or eating. It doesn’t take much effort but will make a world of difference in how you are perceived, since erect posture gives the impression of confidence and poise. 

    

5. Be gracious and appreciative.  Use the magic words you learned when you were a child.  Any time you want something, you say, “Please.”  I am certain you know that. And when someone does something for you, gives you a gift, or hosts you at their house for the weekend, you say, “Thank-you.” But do you write a thank-you note? It would be very classy if you sent a hand-written note; but an email, or even a text would make you seem more appreciative than not sending any note. Lastly, when someone says, “Thank you” to you for something you have done for them, you should say, “You’re welcome” or “It was my pleasure.” Saying, “No problem” always implies to others that somehow it might have been.

    

6. Dress for your audience.Acceptable modern dressing is certainly more causal today, but there are times when a t-shirt or hoodie and sneakers won’t be appropriate. Even when Mark Zuckerberg testified in front of Congress last year, he wore a suit and tie because that is the standard in that arena. So, if you are a man, I would recommend you have at least one blazer—black or navy blue—and one suit, with a pair of dress shoes. You never know when you will need them. If you are a woman, have at least one classic black dress or pant suit and black heels to wear for those more formal or traditional occasions.

    

7. Be well groomed.This should really go without saying, but I will tell you that regardless of your attire, your grooming should be polished. Look in the mirror before you go out. If you are wearing a shirt that should be ironed and tucked in, then by all means press it and tuck it in. If you are wearing leather shoes, they should be polished. Nail polish should be all “on” with no chips, or taken off, etc., etc.

    

8. Polish your table manners. You never know when this will come in handy—particularly when your grandmother wants to take you out to dinner; when you are having dinner with your significant other’s parents for the first time; or you are going to have your second interview with a company over lunch. Brushing up on your table manners can only be a good thing. You may never attend a formal six-course meal at Buckingham Palace, but you will be attending many dinners where you will be judged by your conduct at the table.

    

9. Refrain from constantly photographing yourself and everything you see and do for Instagram. I take photographs for Instagram, but I do so occasionally and when it is appropriate. Of course, I am sure you have more picture-worthy moments than I or your parents; nevertheless, when you are with “older” people who are not doing this, try be more selective about taking your phone out to photograph yourself or something you see. And perhaps, you don’t need to post everything you photograph on Instagram or Facebook.

    

10. Practice proper meeting and greeting skills. Nothing makes a better first impression or lasting impression than offering your hand for a firm handshake, accompanied by a smile and appropriate greeting for a person you are meeting—whether it is someone you have met before or are meeting for the first time. (Of course, you will be standing when you greet or are introduced to another person.) And, be mindful of the fact that when you are with friends, relatives, or business colleagues, it is your responsibility to introduce them if you encounter someone who is unknown to them or someone who does not know them. 

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick, March 2019