10 Soft Skills to Refine to Achieve More Personal 

                      and Professional Success this Year

Much of what it takes to be successful in social settings is valuable in business as well. Impeccable manners and the ability to move with ease and grace in social circles are vital characteristics of powerful, successful people. If you are articulate, dress well, and back it up with the polished  social graces that put others at ease and enjoy being around you, virtually no group will exclude you.

It’s a new year, new decade–time for a new beginning!  Vow to become your unique, personal best. By refining the 10 soft skills outlined below, you will achieve more personal and professional success. 

1. Be open and confident.

When it comes to making the first impression, body language, as well as appearance, speaks louder than words. Use your body language to project appropriate confidence and self-assurance. Stand tall, smile, make eye contact, and shake hands with a firm grip.

 2. Dress appropriately and stylishly for all occasions; and always be well-groomed.

You should look appropriate for your environment and authentic to you. Being trendy is not important, but being current with accessories, especially shoes, color, and fashion accents indicates you are aware of what is fashionable.

“Good grooming is not just about making a polished first impression,” writes Sylvia Ann Hewlett in her book “Executive Presence.” “It is about signaling to your competitors, and yourself, that you are in total control.” When your nails are chipped, your shoes are scuffed, or your clothes are wrinkled, it is impossible to make a good impression.

3. Introduce yourself and others with warmth and enthusiasm.

Always prepare a self-introduction before going to a meeting or event. Say your name slowly and clearly, making eye contact when you introduce yourself. When introducing others, be sure to follow the rules for proper introductions, and always add something about each person to aid them in starting a conversation.

4. Be courteous.

In our modern world, how you treat others and your actions affect how people view you. Being thoughtful and thinking of others will never go out of style. When you are kind and have good manners, treat others as you would like to be treated, and make other people feel good about themselves, other people want to be around you. 

5. Build rapport for better relationships.

People like people like themselves. Try to establish a feeling that you are on the same wavelength when trying to build rapport with a new person. Pick up on key words, favorite phrases, and ways of speaking that someone uses, and build them subtly into your own conversation. Adopt a similar stance to them in terms of your body language, gestures, voice tone and speed. It is called “mirroring” and “matching.”

6. Master the art of small talk and making polite conversation.

Always have something to say. Be informed. Be conversant on a wide variety of topics. Appropriate topics of conversation include news events, sports, cultural events, entertainment, travel, hobbies, etc.

7. Listen and show genuine interest in others.

People like people who find them interesting. Nothing is more flattering to another person or wins more friends than someone who listens to them. It’s the secret weapon of charming, likable  people. 

“And above all, really focus on what is being said to you,” advises Heidi Grant Halvorson in “No One Understands You and What to Do About It.” “People need to feel they have been heard, even when you can’t give them what they are asking for.”

8. Convey warmth and competence.

According to Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy, perceptions of warmth and competence account for roughly 90 percent of the variability in whether you are perceived positively or negatively by others. Research shows eye contact, nodding, and smiling are the three key physical indicators of warmth.

 9. Sharpen your dining skills and table manners.

Let’s face it: We are judged by our table manners and we judge others by their table manners. Persons sitting at or near our table cannot help but notice our table manners or lack of them. If our table manners are good, they will judge us favorably; and if our table manners are poor, they will judge us unfavorably.

10. Build an authentic, honest, and compelling brand.

What defines you? What makes you unique? What is your highest value? Be that person on a consistent basis. Reinforce your brand at every opportunity—both online and offline. According to Sally Hogshead in “Project Fascination,” “To be more successful, you don’t have to change who you are, you only have to be more of what you are at your best.”

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, productive 2020!  May all your goals for the new year come true!

Patricia

Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Founder, President

Updated: January 2020

        Top 10 Etiquette Dos for a More Civilized City Experience

                    “Fine manners need the support of fine manners in others.”     

                                                  Ralph Waldo Emerson                                                       

1. Do walk on the right side of the sidewalk, keeping to the far right at all times, except when passing.

2. Do let others exit elevators, buildings and public transportation before you attempt to enter them. (It’s always out before in.)

3. Do hold doors open for individuals following closely behind you or for someone who may need a little help entering a building or public transportation.

4. Do give up your seat to someone who may need it more than you—the elderly, a caregiver with small children, a woman who is pregnant– when you are taking public transportation.  

5. Do be mindful of others when you are talking or texting on your cell phone when you are in public places:  Save your private conversations for private locations. (When walking down the sidewalk or crossing the street, be especially mindful of others when talking or texting on your cell phone.) 

6. Do be sensitive to others’ enjoyment at restaurants, movies, or any other performances or cultural events by not talking on your cell phone, keeping your voice low when you are having a conversation, and conducting yourself with a sense of decorum.

7. Do smile and take time to give tourists directions. (You want tourists to think your city’s inhabitants are polite, friendly, and helpful.)

8. Do eat in restaurants or other appropriate places, such as the park –not on buses, the subway, or walking down the street. 

9. Do show respect for our city streets and public places: Throw your trash in waste cans instead of littering.  (And please, pick up after your dogs–wherever you are walking them– and properly dispose of their waste.)                

10. Do be polite and use the magic words: Say “Please” and “Thank-you” to the waitstaff in restaurants, salespeople in stores, and whenever or wherever the situation calls for a “Please” or “Thank-you.” 

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Updated: February 2018

It’s that special time of the year when we gather around the table to celebrate Thanksgiving with our family and friends. Using our best table manners and polished social skills will ensure that we will make a good impression and that it will be an enjoyable and pleasant time for all.

As Emily Post once said, “The real test of table manners is to never offend the sensibilities of others.” Good table manners are really nothing more than having a sensitive awareness of others and conducting oneself in a manner that makes the dining experience pleasant for everyone involved. This year, in particular, we need to avoid discussing politics so that we do not “offend the sensibilities” of our family members or friends.

When we know what is expected of us at the table, we can concentrate on making stimulating conversation with our dinner companions and enjoying ourselves. Following are my top 20 dos and do nots of table manners to guide you through your meal this holiday:

Do’s

1.  Do try a little of everything you are served unless you know you are allergic to a
certain food or are a vegetarian.

2.  Do take modest portions of food if you are serving yourself.

3.  Do avoid talking with food in your mouth. Take small bites, and you’ll find it
easier to answer questions or join in on conversations at the table.

4.  Do wait until you have swallowed the food in your mouth before you take a sip of your beverage.

5.  Do wipe your fingers and mouth often with a your napkin.

6.  Do remember your posture at the table. Sit erect. Do not slouch. Keep your arms,
as well as as your elbows, off the table.

7.   Do study your flatware, and eat from the outside in. Remember that once you take
your silverware off of the table to use it, it should never touch the table again.

8.   Do look into, not over, the cup or glass when drinking.

9.   Do cut one piece of meat or fish at a time on your plate and eat it before cutting the next one.

10. Do bring your food to your mouth when you eat, not your mouth to your food.

11.  Do leave dropped silver on the floor. Quietly signal the wait staff to replace it.

12. Do ask for food to be passed at the table; never reach across the table or
across another person to get something.

13. Do pass food and other items to the right, or counter clockwise, at the table.

14. Do pass salt and pepper together: They are “married” and never separated.

15. Do use a utensil instead of your fingers.

16. Do remove an object such as bone gristle from your mouth with your thumb
and index finger and place it on the rim of your plate rather than in your napkin.

17. Do turn your head to the side and cover your mouth with your napkin if you
have to sneeze or cough at the table.

18. Do put your napkin in your chair and push your chair in if you have to leave
the table during the meal.

 19. Do place your silverware in the 10:20 “finished” position when you are finished
with a course.

20. Do say something nice about the food to your host or hostess when finished.

Do Nots

1.   Do not begin to eat until everyone has been served when you are seated with a small group.

2.   Do not help yourself to bread and butter before offering it to the person sitting next to you.

3.   Do not overload your plate when serving yourself.

4.   Do not overload your fork when eating.

5.   Do not season food before tasting it.

6.   Do not spread your elbows when cutting meat. Keep them close to your sides.

7.   Do not saw the meat in a back and forth motion. Stroke it toward you.

8.   Do not chew with your mouth open.

9.   Do not eat too quickly or too slowly; keep pace with the others at the table.

10. Do not talk about your personal food likes and dislikes when eating.

11.  Do not exchange food samples after everyone has begun eating; and never
reach over and “spear” food out of another person’s plate with your fork.

12. Do not touch your face or head at the table.

13. Do not blow your nose with your napkin; use your handkerchief.

14. Do not pick your teeth at the table, either with a toothpick or your fingers.

15. Do not call attention to your eating by making noise either with your mouth or
by scraping your silverware against your plate.

16. Do not gesture with your knife, fork, or spoon in your hand.

17. Do not push your plate away from you when you have finished. Leave it
where it is with the silverware properly placed in the 10:20 “I am finished” position. 

18. Do not discuss unpleasant or controversial subjects at the table.

19. Do not place your cell phone, keys, or handbag on the table.

20. Do not answer your cell phone or text on it while you are at the table.

By Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

Updated: November 23, 2016

10 Tips to Help You Polish Your Personal Brand

1. Be open and confident.When it comes to making the first impression, body language, as well as appearance, speaks louder than words. Make an entrance! Use your body language to project appropriate confidence and self-assurance. Stand tall, smile, make eye contact, and shake hands with a firm grip.

    

2. Dress appropriately and stylishly for all occasions; and always be well-groomed. You should look appropriate for your environment and authentic to you. Being trendy is not important, but being current with accessories, especially shoes, color, and fashion accents indicates you are aware of what is fashionable.

    

   “Good grooming is not just about making a polished first impression,” writes Sylvia Ann Hewlett in her book “Executive Presence.” “It is about signaling to your competitors, and yourself, that you are in total control.” When your nails are chipped, your shoes are scuffed, or your clothes are wrinkled, it is impossible to make a good impression.

    

3. Introduce yourself and others with warmth and enthusiasm. Always prepare a self-introduction before going to a meeting or event. Say your name slowly and clearly, making eye contact when you introduce yourself. When introducing others, be sure to follow the rules for proper introductions, and always add something about each person to aid them in starting a conversation.

4. Be courteous. In our modern world, how you treat others. and your actions, affect how people view you. Being thoughtful and thinking of others will never go out of style. When you are kind and have good manners and treat others as you would like to be treated, and make other people feel good about themselves, other people want to be around you. (Studies show that women value kindness above looks as the most important quality for a man to have.)

    

5. Build rapport for better relationships. People like people like themselves. Try to establish a feeling that you are on the same wavelength when trying to build rapport with a new person. Pick up on key words, favorite phrases, and ways of speaking that someone uses, and build them subtly into your own conversation. Adopt a similar stance to them in terms of your body language, gestures, voice tone and speed. It is called “mirroring” and “matching.”

    

6. Master the art of small talk and making polite conversation. Always have something to say. Know a little about a lot of things. Take the initiative; don’t just stand there. Open the conversation by being in the moment. Then, go on to other appropriate topics of conversation such as news events, sports, entertainment, travel, hobbies, etc.

    

7. Listen and show genuine interest in others. People like people who find them interesting. Nothing is more flattering to another person or wins more friends than someone who listens to them. It’s the secret of weapon of the charmers.

   “And above all, really focus on what is being said to you, advises Heidi Grant Halvorson in “No One Understands You and What to Do about It.” People need to feel they have been heard, even when you can’t give them what they are asking for.

8. Convey warmth and competence.  According to Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy, perceptions of warmth and competence account for roughly 90 percent of the variability in whether you are perceived positively or negatively by others. Research shows eye contact, nodding, and smiling are the three key physical indicators of warmth.

    

9. Sharpen your dining skills and table manners. Let’s face it: We are judged by our table manners and we judge others by their table manners. Persons sitting at or near our table cannot help but notice our table manners or lack of them. If our table manners are good, they will judge us favorably; and if our table manners are poor, they will judge us unfavorably.

    

10. Build an authentic, honest, and compelling brand. What defines you? What makes you unique? What is your highest value? Be that person on a consistent basis. Reinforce your brand at every opportunity, both online and offline. According to Sally Hogshead in “Project Fascination,” “To be more successful, you don’t have to change who you are, you only have to be more of what you are at your best.”

I invite you to join one of our upcoming one-day “Polished and Proper for Fall: Social Success Makeover Finishing School for Adults” group classes this fall. You will gain the social graces, confidence, etiquette knowledge, and personal style necessary to polish your personal brand in order to achieve success in your personal and professional life.

For complete details regarding the class: http://etiquette-ny.com/social-succeess-makeover/

By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick
August 2015

Some of my fondest memories of summers past include having houseguests. Perhaps it is because my friends have lovely manners, and my husband and I enjoy making their stays memorable. I do know, however, this is not the experience many have had, or remember about having houseguests, which is why I thought it necessary to outline the guidelines for being a considerate guest and a thoughtful host.

How to Be a Considerate Guest

• Do be sure you are clear about when you are expected to arrive, and when you are expected to leave; and don’t go earlier or stay longer.

• Do take a house gift; and if you are staying longer than a weekend, offer to take your hosts out to dinner one evening.

• If possible, have a means of transportation so you don’t have to rely on your host to chauffeur you around.

• Do not ask to bring a pet with you, unless you have a small “perfect” dog, and you know they won’t mind. Large dogs and cats should left at home.

• Ask what the attire will be for the weekend so that you will be able to dress appropriately for all of the weekend’s festivities, and will not have to borrow your hosts’ clothes.

• Do think of activities to occupy you for at least part of the day. Don’t expect your hosts to keep you entertained from morning until night—unless you know your hosts are expecting you to accompany them on all of the outings during the day, such as to the golf course, tennis court, beach, et. Cetera.

• Do not leave your wet bath or sandy beach towels on the floor.

• Do try to keep your room fairly neat. Make your own bed each morning unless there is a maid to make it for you. Be sure the bathroom is kept neat as well.

• Do pack a robe. You may have to walk down the hall to go to the bathroom; and you may want to go to breakfast wearing one if it’s acceptable in the house you are visiting.

• Ask what the rules of the house are. Are shoes allowed in the house? What time does everyone wake up and go to sleep?

• Don’t treat your hosts as your personal servants. Offer to help out with the cooking and dishes.

• Don’t expect your hosts to follow your diet regimen. If you are on a strict diet, it might be better to save your visit to another time when you can eat what your hosts are eating.

• Be on time for meals and activities.

• Don’t complain about your bed, your room, the food, the activities that have been planned for your stay, et. Cetera.  In other words, be an appreciative guest.

• On the day of your departure, take the sheets, blankets, and pillow cases off the bed, fold them, and leave them neatly on top of the bed—unless, of course, your hosts have a live-in help.

• Do remember to send a thank-you note to your hosts when you get home.

How to Be a Thoughtful Host

• Do invite guests whom you know fairly well and know will enjoy the kind of weekend that is enjoyable to you.

• Tell your guests when you would like for them to arrive and leave.

• Give your guests an idea about what you have planned for the weekend and the clothes they will need to bring for the various activities.  If you are taking them to your club for dinner, and jackets are required, that is something they need to know.

• If you are inviting friends you don’t know that well, it is a good idea to ask them if they have any special dietary needs or allergies.

• Do stock your kitchen and bar with your guests’ favorite foods and drinks.

• Do give your guests some free time during the day. It isn’t necessary—nor is necessarily appreciated by your guests—for you to have every minute of the day planned. Do, however, some group outings/activities planned.

• Let your guests know what time you usually have your meals—particularly breakfast. If you are a late sleeper, and they are earlier risers, show them where you keep the coffee and let them know they are welcome to make their own breakfast.

• Give your guests a map of your town if they are new to the area; and give them a list of sights they might like to see if you do not plan to give them a guided your of your town.

• Check to make sure the guest room is ready for your guests: fresh sheets, flowers, snacks, reading material, an alarm clock, pad and pen by the bed, a couple of empty drawers bureau drawers, extra coat hangers in the closet, a mirror, and anything else you think they might like or need in their room to be comfortable. And also check to see that the bathroom they will use will have everything they need.

• Do let your guests know if there is a limited supply of hot water in your house. They will be embarrassed if they unknowingly use all of the hot water before the others in the house have had a chance to take a shower.

• Try to anticipate your guests’ special needs—if there are any. Remember, that as a host, it is your number one responsibility to make your guests feel comfortable in your home.

]]> https://etiquette-ny.com/houseguest-etiquette-guidelines-for-being-a-considerate-guest-and-thoughtful-host/feed/ 0 https://etiquette-ny.com/10-tips-to-broaden-your-cultural-intelligence-and-international-protocol-skills-2/ https://etiquette-ny.com/10-tips-to-broaden-your-cultural-intelligence-and-international-protocol-skills-2/#comments Fri, 14 Jun 2013 02:05:55 +0000 aly http://etiquette-ny.com/?p=15946 →]]> By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick

 “In a shrinking world with ever increasing competition, Americans are finding they need to know more about other cultures to survive both at home and abroad.”

                                                                          - Brooks Peterson, author of ”Cultural Intelligence.”

By now it should be evident that no nation on earth can thrive in the twenty-first century without being connected in some way to the other nations around the world; nor can corporations or their executives remain isolated and expect to be successful.  People around the world will inevitably need to interact with one another in more and more ways: professionally, diplomatically, economically, socially, and so forth. For today, we are all participants in one way or another in the global marketplace.

 The greatest danger for most of us lies not is setting our aim too high and falling short; but is setting our aim too low, and reaching it. - Michelangelo

1. Know the proper protocol for making introductions, and introducing yourself.

2. Shake hands with a firm grip, direct eye contact, and good posture.

3. Suit-up for success: wear appropriate business attire, and always make sure that you are well-groomed when you  go for a job interview, or to a business meeting.

4. Cultivate a strong, clear speaking voice; enunciate your words; and don’t use slang or foul language. Knowing how to communicate clearly and effectively is essential to your success.

5. Polish your electronic and written communications. Be professional: conduct yourself in a business-like manner at all times, using appropriate business language. Use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation.

6. Learn what is considered professional and appropriate when using your telephone and cell phone for business.

7. Know what is appropriate, and what does not reflect positively upon you, when your use your social networking tools.

8. Master the art of mingling, networking and remembering names. Being skillful at networking will not only help you get a job, but it will also help you stand out in your new job.

9. Be polished and professional at the dining table: practice good dining skills and suitable table manners. You may have an interview scheduled as a lunch so your potential employer can observe your table manners.

10. Practice good manners at all times!  Civility counts!  People remember people with good manners.

It’s late spring, and as a lifelong gardener, and currently, the first vice-president and chairman of the Garden History and Design Committee of the Garden Club of Somerset Hills, this time of year, full of beautiful blooms, brings both delight and dread.  From  mid-May to mid-June, when my peonies bowl me over with their glorious shades of coral-reds and pale pinks, and the Wisteria drips elegantly from its arbor like so many amethysts from a bracelet, my phone rings off the hook with requests to ‘take a quick peek” at my flowerbeds.

And that’s the dreaded part. I think I speak for gardeners worldwide when I say we are thrilled to show off our gardens to friends and fellow diggers in the dirt, but it is work to have you visit. We take your request quite seriously. And as any good hostess would do if you wanted a tour of her house, we spruce up our “rooms” before you pull onto our recently raked gravel driveway and pretend we are always this tidy. Allow me to translate: we weed, you vacuum. We deadhead, you pick up all dirty laundry off the floor and stuff it into a hamper. We fluff up the mulch, you bat at the sofa cushions. And we give everything a nice long drink to make the flora perky and fragrant, while you spritz all with rooms with Pledge as you dust. We are a proud lot, of both the rooms we live in, and the ones we sleep in. So, with that in mind, please call us any time, but humor us by keeping to these simple caveats of visitor Dos and Don’ts.

Dos and Don’ts of Garden Etiquette:

1. Please call at least a few hours in advance. Gardeners are a grubby bunch, usually in desperate need of a tissue. We are slathered in zinc oxide and dressed in our husbands’ oldest tee-shirt. There is plant material in our hair. Our pants generally are missing a back pocket or a bit of fabric close to our crotch, so give us a few minutes not only to ‘make our beds”, (see above) but to clean up our persons, as well.

2. When you do call, DO NOT ask, we beg of you, to bring you’re two year old child just up from a long nap, or your dog, on or off- leash.

Small children hate these outings. If there isn’t a swing set nearby (which most gardeners hide behind an outbuilding) they will waddle through the Lamb’s Ear, pull apart the pretty Bleeding Hearts, and trample across the emerging day lilies with abandon. There is no way for the poor garden owner to politely say “Get your kid off my foxglove because he’s ruining it! And oh, by the way, it is highly toxic to humans.”

Dogs, on the other hand, love these outings, with plenty of new smells to ferret out and fresh territory to mark, they are in doggie heaven. We are in gardener’s hell as we watch the first squat.  Female canine urine browns our grass, and although male urine does not, I prefer salad dressing on my herbs. This is to say nothing of their large, enviable poops that will follow (yes, we know you are shocked because they just ‘went’ at home).

3. A word to the shoe collectors: Did you know that the word Etiquette originated with Louis the XIV’s gardeners?   Miffed at the oblivious meandering of dukes and duchesses in their pointy heeled little booties visiting the Versailles’s majestic gardens, they posted little signs with the word ‘etiquet’ written on them. Allow me to translate (loosely): It means, have some manners and do “keep off the grass”, you clod; stick to the gravel paths.  Gardeners spend an inordinate amount of time and money growing, greening and weeding their lawns. It is the all-important main stage for the good stuff in the distance and around the edges. We aerate our lawns in early April before we seed. That means we rent a very heavy and unwieldy machine that leaves little tiny holes in the ground on purpose. Your high heels, although probably as expensive, are not that tool. Bring your flats, or better yet, sneakers.

4. Unless we offer, we really don’t want to give you a sample/cutting of our very rare, very EXPENSIVE whatever it is you’re drooling over. But if you are extra complimentary, we might give you some Lily of the Valley (that we just weeded out of the lawn and tossed on the compost heap). And do BYOB (bring your own baggie.)

5. It would be nice to think you loved everything about our gardens that we do: the various rooms we slaved to create with their meandering paths and antique focal points– the  shade beds filled a variety  of ferns collected  from roadsides during a decades time, bridal veil Astilbe, Salomon’s Seal and Hellebore–our one perennial bed that yes, we intentionally keep to a specific bloom order, height and color scheme. But you won’t always agree. And you’ll be tempted to tell us what YOU think we are missing — a spot of yellow “something” here, and maybe a viburnum Carlesii there — but don’t do it. This is our masterpiece, and when you have us over to show us your gardens, we’ll be equally as respectful and be sure not to say ‘My kid could do a better job with planning.”

6. Most serious gardeners know Latin phrases because it is the way we differentiate the species we collect. A Dicentra Formosa is  a very different plant from a Dicentra Spectabilis, but we try to spare you those details because if you aren’t a full tilt garden enthusiast, the terminology is baffling, boring and you’ll have no idea what we are talking about. So in return, do spare us with your garden language too, because I don’t know what happened to that “big, yellowish-greenish-leafy-thingy” that you planted in a not so sunny side of your house and forgot to water. I have no idea what you are talking about. Stop stealing my moment.

7. And lastly, but not lastly, do compliment us. Tell us you’re impressed with our “children”, the ones we feed and water, fret over in a draught, and wring our dried out hands with broken fingernails over during a late season frost. Then maybe we’ll let that kid of yours out of the car.

Ryder S. Ziebarth is a freelance writer, a well- mannered GCA member and was most recently published in the Metropolitan Diary section in the New York Times. She sends way too much time transforming her four acre flower beds into wonderlands each spring, and is grateful when November puts them all to bed.

]]> https://etiquette-ny.com/tip-toeing-through-the-tulips-and-other-breaches-of-garden-etiquette/feed/ 0 https://etiquette-ny.com/restaurant-service-tips-to-guarantee-superior-service/ https://etiquette-ny.com/restaurant-service-tips-to-guarantee-superior-service/#comments Thu, 18 Apr 2013 18:37:23 +0000 aly http://etiquette-ny.com/?p=15777 →]]> By: Jennifer Roach 

While dining etiquette is often discussed and dissected, restaurant-specific tips are not quite as commonplace, despite the frequency with which business and social entertaining takes place in our society. Rarer still are guides specifically aimed at the service professionals who make up half of this staff/patron arrangement. Here are ten tips each for both waiters and diners to get the most out of their next meal:

Ten Ways to Get Superior Service in a Restaurant 

1. Be patient. Returning a dish or requesting a substitution is fine, but it may take some time. Also, your server is juggling many other guests’ needs, especially during the dinner rush.

2. Read the menu. Asking the waiter’s opinion between two choices is perfectly acceptable, but asking him to detail the entire menu in lieu of actually looking at it is tedious and inconsiderate.

3. Think ahead. If someone at the table orders a drink and yours is one-third full, and you know you’re going to get another one soon, go ahead and order yours at the same time. Don’t wait for her to come back with the other patron’s drink just to send her right back to the bar.

4. Be polite. Don’t respond to “Good evening, how is everyone tonight?” with “I’ll have the Riesling.” Engage in the bare minimum of pleasantries; say please and thank you.

5. Talk to the right person. Ask the support staff to send your waiter over if you need something, rather than for a desired item. Bussers often do not have access to the electronic POS system that allows them to ring in an order, nor the authority to approach the bar directly.

6. Don’t shoot the messenger. The waiter didn’t cook the dish, nor set the menu prices. If you were unhappy with the food make sure to clearly tell your server so management can remedy the situation instead of just leaving a bad tip.

7. Refrain from using your cellphone. Especially when ordering.

8. Send a thank you note. Telling the management in writing that you had a wonderful meal or fantastic service guarantees you will be remembered and welcomed warmly the next time you make a reservation. Detailed notes are kept in reservation systems, especially for regular patrons.

9. Don’t get personal. Inappropriate questions obvious flirting with the staff is awkward and uncomfortable.

10.Remember it’s a person. Someone has to deal with what you leave behind – gum under the table, shoe dirt on the chairs, the remains of blowing your nose into the linen napkin. Please proceed with grace.

Ten Ways to Give Superior Service in a Restaurant 

1. Be patient. Don’t clear any plates until everyone has finished. An empty plate is far less obtrusive than making the remaining diners feel rushed or making the first person done feel they ate too fast.

2. Be pleasantly vague. Don’t ask a guest if they want another margarita or some more bread—just ask if they need anything.

3. Timing is everything. Wait for right moment to recite a long list of specials (with prices, please) or interrupt an intense conversation.

4. Be discrete and professional. Don’t laugh or gossip with coworkers within earshot of customers, or eat or drink within site of them.

5. Be upfront. If your restaurant charges an automatic gratuity on parties of six or more, and your eight top just tipped you generously in addition to that, point out the included service charge.

6. Pay attention. Don’t ignore a table that isn’t yours. If you see a guest clearly in need of attention, help them immediately or promptly tell them you’ll send their server right over.

7. Good service flows. Bring all of the appetizers or entrees to a table at the same time. Never leave one guest stranded and plate-less while everyone else in their party has their meal.

8. Read silverware signals. Cutlery crossed in the shape of an X means the diner isn’t finished. A knife and fork together in the 10 o’clock and 4 o’clock position means they are. Think of it this way: X means no, hands off, and a straight line means you can take it straight away. (That is, presuming everyone else is done too. See #1 above.)

9. Left/leave, right/retrieve. Generally one serves from the guests’ left and clears from the right, using the respective hand (ie: placing a dish with the left and picking up with the right).

10. Remember you’re there to help. Never answer a guest’s question with “I don’t know,” without immediately following it up with “…but I’ll find out.”

Jennifer Roach is a pastry chef and cake designer based in New York City. She has over a dozen years experience in fine dining establishments such as Chanterelle, Eleven Madison Park, and Koi. She is currently a freelance bakery consultant and caterer.