Connecting in the Age of Social Distancing

  “Just the briefest eye contact can heighten empathic feelings,

giving people a sense of being drawn together.”

                                             - Robert A. Lavine, Ph.D

Until very recently, a firm handshake was touted as the most professional and acceptable way to greet and connect with others in the business world. A firm handshake, along with direct eye contact, conveyed confidence and trustworthiness, as well as a genuine interest in meeting another person.  

So, what does one do now to convey these subconscious, nonverbal messages in the age of social distancing when we are being discouraged from shaking hands? We will need to rely on our eye contact to convey this messaging. Although it cannot entirely compensate for the hand-to-hand physical connection of a handshake, deliberate, warm eye contact can go a long way toward making the person you are meeting feel positive about you.

Eye contact is powerful! Why? Because according to neuroeconmics researcher Paul Zak, a single molecule controls our trust and it is oxytocin, which we are programmed to interpret as a nonverbal sign of goodwill. Oxytocin is released during mutual gazing, or eye contact, when it is held for three to five seconds. It is the same hormone that is released by our brains when we shake hands with someone. 

Eye contact is deeply rooted in our genes. Just as an extended hand meant we came in friendship in the early caveman days, one’s eye contact could mean the difference between life and death, attraction and indifference.

Although human beings have been making eye contact since the beginning of time, the term was only first coined in the mid-1960s and was defined as a meaningful and important sign of confidence, respect, and social communication.

Americans are firm in their belief that good eye contact, or mutual gazing, is important during business and social conversations. It is one of the most powerful ways to make a real connection with someone. Use it to build trust and show interest. When having a conversation with another person your eye contact tells the person you are listening; makes you a better listener; and focuses attention on the individual, which makes him or her feel more important while you look in control.

Signals eye contact sends:

1. Business gaze: Professional

Focuses on upper face: brows and forehead. Full attention on your eyes and words and look directly, but alternately, between your left and right eye.

2. Social gaze: Not professional

Focuses on mid-face: eyes and mouth.

3. Intimate gaze. Never in business.

Focuses on chest and below.

Averting the eyes often signifies a lack of sincerity or confidence, although direct eye contact is avoided in many cultures. In most cultures,  however, direct eye contact should be made 40 to 60 percent of the time, or for 3 to 5 seconds at a time. Less than that and a person is seen as shy, shifty, hiding something, or lacking self-confidence and authority.

If eye contact is more than 60 percent, or over 5 seconds, a person will feel put on the spot, examined, or under a microscope. Plus, it can be creepy or confrontational. 

If you sometimes get feedback that you are coming across as too critical or in a negative manner, and you don’t mean to do that, check your eye contact. You may be exceeding the comfortable amount of eye contact and people see this as being pinned down.

Do: 

• When you meet someone, let your eyes say, “I am delighted to meet you and am very much looking forward to working with you. I am someone you can trust to keep my word.”

• To be a good listener, let your eyes say, “I’m listening” and convey empathy and concern.

• When you are talking, watch your listener’s eyes to see if you are holding his or her attention. It does not matter what you say if the person you are speaking to is not listening. 

 By: Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick, April 2020