By Patricia Napier-Fitzpatrick 

“Etiquette provides the knowledge, and gives the confidence to pass the test of life.”     - Elizabeth L. Post

Many say etiquette instruction is outdated and has no relevance for today’s children. But is that true? Certainly not.

It is true that many of the rules of etiquette from the past are outdated, but etiquette is always evolving and adapting to adjust to current times. The true tenets of etiquette and good manners, which are treating others with kindness, consideration, and respect, however, remain timeless.They encourage us to behave in a way that is considerate of all; and to treat others the way we would like to be treated in all of the situations in which we find ourselves.

The idea of “modern-day” etiquette instruction for children dates back to as early as the 16^th century when Dutch theologian, Erasmus, wrote the widely popular A Handbook on Good Manners for Children. Although many of his rules would not apply today, his essential advice remains the same, “Young bodies are tender plants that grow and harden to whatever shape you’ve trained them.”

Etiquette instruction for children was very popular in the 16^th century in England as well as Italy. “Always send a thank-you letter, but make sure you never look too oily” was one guideline given at that time in a book by Baldassare Castiglion, an Italian diplomat from Urbino, in his book, “The Book of the Courtier.”

According to psychiatrist and Harvard professor Robert Coles, the years between kindergarten and sixth grade are the ideal time to teach children values like respect. These are the “age of conscience years,” he contends, during which children are highly receptive to moral values and eager to figure out how and why they should behave in various situations, and are enthusiastic about deciding what kind of people they are going to be.

If we want our children to grow up to be confident, poised adults, we need to teach them the rules of etiquette. I believe knowing proper etiquette is an essential part of a child’s training for life. It equips them with the social skills and good manners that alleviate the social awkwardness that comes from not knowing how to behave in social situations. It builds character and produces genuinely gracious and considerate adults.

I am often asked when a child should begin etiquette instruction, and I say it is never too early. As soon as they begin to talk, the polite words, such as “please” and “thank-you” should be part of their vocabulary. Children with good manners are better liked by other children, as well as adults, and are more successful in school.

Social skills are the great equalizer; good manners transcend social class, economic achievement, and race. As Clarence Thomas once said, “Good manners open doors that the best education cannot.”

Etiquette is defined as the rules for socially accepted behavior. Manners are how we apply those rules—how we treat one another. Emily Post stressed that etiquette was more of a code of social respect than rules for exactly how to ask for a date or what fork to use. Manners involve our interactions with others.

Can anyone say without a doubt that etiquette instruction for children is irrelevant in today’s society?